Worked up the courage to have the talk...feeling lost and confused now

sluttysub · Apr 20, 2010

I finally worked up the nerve to talk to my husband about my interest in a D/s relationship and he was completely turned off and disgusted. He's seen BDSM porn and thinks that it's strictly about forcing pain on your partner - in his eyes, it's nothing more than an abusive relationship. He says he doesn't want to hurt me and that intentionally inflicting any sort of pain would be a huge turn off. He also says he has no desire to have any control over me, that's not what marriage is about. I tried to explain the true nature of a D/s relationship but he didn't want to hear it. He pretty much cut me off and that was the end of that. He's avoiding me now and actually slept on the couch last night.

I really am at a loss as to what to do now. I've had this desire for as long as I can remember, even before my first sexual experience. When I was younger I didn't know what this desire was, I thought something was wrong with me. But as I got older, I was finally able to put a name to it all and began researching the Dom/sub lifestyle. I realized that it fit me to a T, but I was never able to bring myself to tell any of my partners. Gradually I have worked more "kink" into the bedroom, but that is as far as it's gone. I didn't come to the full realization that this was a lifestyle that I truly belonged or in or wanted 24/7 until after I was married. (How incredibly stupid and immature on my part to enter into marriage with a secret like this!) I guess I sort of thought the feelings would go away. They haven't. I'm craving a D/s relationship, and it's finally hit me full force. Now I don't know what to do, or how to remain happy in a marriage that will never fully satisfy this desire (or need).

I don't want to cheat on my husband and I don't want to leave him. I love him very much, and honestly, would really prefer that he were my Dom. Not to mention that we have two children thrown into the mix. Ugh, what do I do now?

P.S.
Ceilidh - I'm still going to look into the books you suggested

sillylittlepet · Apr 20, 2010

If you can convince your husbands this website really sums up BDSM nicely
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html

Its an article called "BDSM: A Guide for nice guys"
it nicely outlines how bdsm is not at all related to abuse, non-consensual pain, or disrespect

Your situation is obviously really crappy, and that really sucks

I've never had an experience like this and I'm not even married so some other posts will probably be more helpful, but I think you need to try to talk to him again and explain that this is really important to you

sluttysub · Apr 20, 2010

Thank you, silly

L8NightQ · Apr 20, 2010

Very nice link SLP. Added it to my favorites.

Sluttysub - Like most of us say when we encounter a post like this is to start slow. Watching BDSM porn can mean a lot of things (the OMG posted video being one of them).

If he's got some man left in him, then you will be able to bring out his dominant side. He just doesn't get it yet. With your help he will see that you aren't one of those "video" people (if you are, keep it to yourself).

I think he'll get it... Just remember that you're way ahead of him and it will take some time to catch up. There are some easy games that I'm sure you'll find that will tweak his interest very soon.

sebastian · Apr 20, 2010

Silly, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. That's very unfortunate. Silly's advice about that page is good. Ask him to read the whole page. Hopefully that will help. The real problem here is that you and your husband aren't speaking the same language. When you tell him "tie my up and spank me" you know that you're saying "give me erotic control and pain because you love me", but what he hears is "abuse me because you hate me". And of course he doesn't hate you, so he can't understand why you would ask him to do that. So if you are going to have any chance of working this out with him, you need to find ways to translate what you're saying. You have teach him your language. It's not impossible.

Power exchange is a fundamental principle in human society (when you take a job with an employer, you are entering a power exchange--he gets to tell you what to do, in exchange for money). And people recognize some limited element of power exchange in the bedroom. When you give your husband a blow job, you're serving him. Couples negotiate sexual power exchange all the time, often in very crass ways (the only time my ex-husband let me fuck him was when I bribed him with an iPod--I called him my podwhore after that). So d/s play just extends those principles. My advice is to start with control rather than pain or bondage. Offer him complete sexual control. Most guys want blow jobs every time they have sex, so make it clear to him that if he's in control, he gets a blow job whenever he wants one. He gets to take you in any way at any time that pleases him. Very few men will turn down that sort of offer from their partner. Once he learns to enjoy control, talk about adding some pain--spanking, nipple pinching or biting, ass slapping are all pretty easy to work in. Then when he gets ok with that, ask him to add in some bondage or humiliation or roughness or role play. In other words walk him slowly toward it. Hopefully he'll see what you're really asking and realize that d/s play isn't what it's presented as in most movies.

But let's say you've tried that and he turns out to be definitely vanilla. What then. As I see it, couples in this situation have three options.
1) You can accept that your husband will never satisfy you sexually, and just learn to live with it. If your relationship is very meaningful otherwise, you may decide that the sex will be the problem area that won't ever quite work. No one gets 100% of what they want in marriage, so perhaps you can live without that part.
2) You can decide that being submissive is too important to you to give up, and you can leave your husband in hope that you will meet a good man who will dominate you as you desire.
3) You can work out some sort of compromise in which you get some domination but not everything you want. Perhaps your husband agrees that he can spank you periodically even though he doesn't like doing it, but will not humiliate you or whatever. Perhaps he agrees to let you be periodically dommed by someone else (either sexually or non-sexually) so that you can receive enough of what you crave that you can maintain your commitment to him.

None of these options is guaranteed to work. As Billy Joel says, "Moving on is the chance you take every time you try to stay together." A lot of kinky people are inclined to say that a vanilla/kinky marriage won't work and you should move on, but I don't think that's always true. I know of a man on a different forum who is in his 70s and is married to a vanilla wife. She lets him pay a prodomme ever few months to meet his submissive needs. He loves her and is willing to make the sacrifice of his sexual needs because he loves her too much to leave. I myself was in a marriage for 8 years to a man who wasn't able to meet my needs. I committed myself to option 1 and would have done so my whole life if he hadn't suddenly decided he needed option 2 (in my case, I wasn't fat enough for him). And even if you leave your husband in search of a dom, there is no guarantee that you will find a dom with whom you are emotionally compatible. On the other hand, there is no guarantee that after years of option 1 or option 3, you won't decide that you have to have more satisfaction than your husband can offer you.

My advice is, try for option 3, at least in the short term. It might eventually turn into something satisfying, and who knows, maybe you can train him to be kinky? If you go for option 1, make it really clear to him just exactly how much you are sacrificing for him, and make damn sure that he's really grateful to you for making that sacrifice for you. Just because he doesn't understand why you like this stuff doesn't mean he can't recognize how badly you want it and what it means to go without.

Hope this helps.

sluttysub · Apr 20, 2010

L8nightQ - Haha, no, I'm no where near that extreme! He'd really go running for the hills if I were!

Sebastian - Thank you! Great insight. I'm feeling a bit more positive now, hope is not lost.

Any ideas on how to work some of this in? He's ok with nipple pinching and biting, a little bit of spanking - I just can't let on that it causes any pain. I'm fine with not jumping into any of the pain aspects right now. I can definitely give him time to grow into it. How should I bring up and explain the Dom factor? I don't want him to feel uncomfortable, this is really something I want him to enjoy. Any "non-threatening" ways?

sebastian · Apr 21, 2010

Slutty, like I said, I think your best bet is to emphasize that if he dominates you, he gets to call the shots sexually, sex his way, when he wants it. Maybe toss in the trade-off that he has to make an effort to be authoritarian: he can't just say what he wants, he needs to order you to do it. What freaks most vanilla guys out is pain play, bondage, and humiliation/abuse. Control, while not PC, is sexy. You've already told him that you want kink, so I think just be honest. Tell him you know he's not comfortable hurting you, but you'd like to offer him control sexually. Treat it like a compromise and ask for the thing he's most likely to be willing to do.

I sometimes have trouble getting guys to be a rough with my nipples as I like. When that happens I do one of two things. I either taunt them for being pussyboys (probably not a good strategy in this case) or I overact how turned on I am and ask them to go harder. Most guys, once they realize that something is really turning you on, will get more aggressive. So don't tell him the pain is what you're grooving on; just exaggerate how much you like it and beg him to go harder. Once you've conditioned him to be rough with your nipples or your butt, then tell him why you like it so much. That might get him comfortable with the idea that erotic pain is a turn on and not cruel.

BernieD · Apr 21, 2010

I think Sebastien brought a good point. If you show some of the advantages, he might be more interested.

Also, since you said he's ok with pinching, biting and spanking, that's already something. That shows that he's not completely against it. If you just take it slowly, i'm fairly sure that with time, you can get him to do more and more things. You simply have to give him time to adapt to this and go slowly.

Just make sure to reassure him afterward, tell him how much you liked what he did, and encourage him to do it again/harder. By doing that, he'll see that rather than hurting you, he's giving you pleasure. When he sees how much you like it, he'll most likely be willing to do it, since he probably wants to make you happy.

Ceilidh · Apr 21, 2010

I'm glad to hear you are looking into my book suggestion...I honestly can't say how great they are because I don't personally own them -- yet. I also can't take the credit for them

Sebastian suggested them to me

I guess I'm not really commenting, just putting my thoughts out there...because I was recently in your situation, just different...My husband wasn't suprised that I wanted to be a submissive.

One last thing. What guy wouldn't love the idea of being able to sexually have his wife anywhere in the house, whenever he wanted??

Perhaps you could wear something that you know drives him crazy? Take me for instance. I have this dress...

Lets just say since the day I tried it on to show him my new purchase, it has rarely ever seen the light of day

Last Sunday, when I went to Harajuku (an 1.5 hour train trip away from us), I accutally made it out of the house in it Apparently him being home with our son, and knowing I was wearing that dress drove him crazy...Needless to say, when I got home and our son was in bed, I got thrown up against the wall and attacked

sebastian · Apr 21, 2010

Ceilidh, I need a boy with an outfit like that. Or maybe just Jey...

Worked up the courage to have the talk...feeling lost and confused now

sluttysub

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