The random chat/off topic thread

[Death]

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Yeah, it's a wild hypothesis but nevertheless, it'd explain her strange question, and it happens to people frequently, after all.... at the same time, I refuse to think that something permanently bad happened to her.... I just can't believe it, and I can't believe that I would've lost her. I always was sure I would find my true love, so since I found the sweetest, most wonderful girl, that fits all of my ideals, I just can't believe that it'd just get crushed. :/

I've sent her tons of messages. She has an alternate e-mail address that I've e-mailed, as well. Even tried sending from another e-mail of my own, and made yet another account, afterwards, for sure, and as I created the new account, I did consider maybe having ended up on some sort of blacklist in the US, that'd cause my e-mails not to arrive. Highly unlikely, as I shouldn't be a person of interest, and since we also didn't talk about anything of particular interest to such people, but I did still consider even that. She found me through this forum, but I don't think she's posted here. She's also very paranoid, like me, so she wouldn't leave traces of her identity on the net... so no luck there. I know what state she's moved to but I never got to finding out what town. No possibility to get in contact with her parents or siblings. :/ No Skype account, no phone number. I gave her my phone number, well before she disappeared, though... maybe she didn't write it down, even though I asked her to, and now she is in some rural hospital without Internet... I don't know. :l She was taken into hospital for a few weeks, a few months before she disappeared, and couldn't e-mail me, then... maybe it's the same thing, this time. That's pretty much the only hope that I'm clinging to. :/ This time she's been gone for over twice as long, though.... but considering what it was about, the last time, I guess that could still be it.

Well, I'll be going to bed, now.... it's actually morning here, now, and all sunny. I appreciate that you listened to my problems... I haven't been able to talk much about it and that doesn't really help with my mood and my hope for her well-being.

 

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[handcuff_freak]

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Sorry to hear that. I hope all is well.

I've been busy. Not had much time to check in. Things are going ok. Been a little rough the past few weeks, but we will make it ok. The hard parts are over.

 

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[Death]

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Sorry to hear that. I hope all is well.

Thanks... :/

...Late this evening, I put a rare, sealed game on sale on an auction. I put a buy it now price on it at 800 Swedish kronor (about 85 euros) and just a little while ago I noticed that after about three hours, it had been sold. It seems I should've put the buy it now price at a minimum of 950 SEK. So, I'm a bit pissed, now. I feel that I will be giving it away as a gift, pretty much. Man, I get so greedy, at times. -_- Well, at least I have six more of it to sell... actually seven, but the seventh is for me.

I just hope that the buyer won't sell it, afterwards. Then my blood will almost boil. -_-;

 

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[sebastian]

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Death, I'm sorry to hear how things have gone for you. I can empathize. Years ago I used to do phone sex with a cop that I became very good friends with. One day he simply wasn't available. I got a letter from him promising that he'd call with an explanation, but I never really heard from him again. That hung over me for years. I still wonder how he's doing.

One thing that I can suggest that might help. Like you, I tend to default to the worst possible explanation for things. A strategy to train yourself out of that is to think of 3 other explanations for what's happened. This can help teach you to realize that you're making assumptions based on a lack of evidence, if you do it regularly. I found it very helpful. Obviously that doesn't help you locate her or find out what happened. I have no suggestions for that. But it might help you cope with your loss.

 

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[Ceilidh]

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Dr. Seb has an answer for everything. Seriously!

I'm sorry to hear about your losses SLP and Death. I hope things look better for you.

Anyways it looks like we might be moving into a house in a few months. And after a few weeks of searching I found a new swimming suit. Reg $30 set. I got it for $10 a set. I am so stoked since it is so hard to find my size. Plus this is my first bikini. I am becoming more comfortable in my skin and showing what I've got. Scars and all.

 

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[sillylittlepet]

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thats one thing I've learned from this forum, Sebastian always has the right things to say

(no pressure in the future, btw)

 

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[Death]

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Obviously that doesn't help you locate her or find out what happened. I have no suggestions for that. But it might help you cope with your loss.

Yeah, I've been trying to do that but there is pretty much only one explanation left, now, that I feel at least somewhat okay thinking about... that she's in hospital for the same as at a time before. As for if it'd be an actual loss - if I really would've lost her or it's all been crushed for some horrible reason... well, then I don't really have a purpose in living, anymore. Trying to keep my mind numb only works for so long. Right now, I instead feel dead inside - a terrible feeling - you just want to wake up from it. I can only imagine how horrible I would be doing by Christmas, if I'd keep not hearing from her. I could never get her out of my mind. Only if she would've been unfaithful to me, but she isn't like that... I know that. She's just so innocent and amazingly trustworthy... -_-

I can just see before me how I, if I still wouldn't have heard from her by Christmas, would buy her that Asian jointed doll that she wanted and put it in a really pretty box with her name on that I'd keep under the plastic Christmas tree that could stand there day after day, long after Christmas. Just torment myself on purpose since I couldn't ever be happy without her, anyway. Then I'd snap after a while from the constant reminder of her and I guess join her to wherever she went after her accident or whatever. -_- Then again, I wouldn't even need to do that.... every second of every day, I think of her, and worry, and get drained from it, and it just gets worse. She made me so happy, back then, but honestly, both day and night has turned into a nightmare, now. I just wait for her next e-mail, every day, and hope that if I get a call, it'll be from her.

Ugh, anyway, I have to go to bed, now. -_-

 

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[sebastian]

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Death, I've been where you are, in several senses of the phrase. A few years ago my husband of 8 years left me. I was completely devastated by it, and on one afternoon in particular I came very close to killing myself. If it hadn't been for a very good friend who realized that something was wrong and came over and talked me through that day, there's a good chance I wouldn't be writing on this forum now. So believe me, I understand what you're struggling with.

But there's a saying I've always liked. "To die for love is beautiful, but stupid." When you're trapped in the bondage of your pain and sorrow, it feels inescapable and that all you can do is submit to it and let it have its way with you. But don't give in like that. Struggle against it and eventually it slackens and you can get free of it. I don't want to deny the validity of what you're feeling--your relationship with this woman is/was real, and your pain is real--but look it from an outside perspective for a moment. You've never met this woman. You don't know where she lives or what her last name is. You have no idea why she's stopped communicating, even though you can conjure what you're convinced is the only possible reason. And you only know the part of her that she was able to show you online. Giving up your life for the sake of a woman you've never met is beautiful but foolish. It denies you the possibility of eventually finding her. It denies you the possibility of eventually meeting someone else who's equally wonderful. It denies you the possibility of eventually doing wonderful and satisfying things with your life that have nothing to do with this relationship.

As I fought through my profound depression after my husband left, what I came to realize is that depression is fundamentally the loss of the ability to think that the future can possibly be any different than today. You're in pain right now, and it seems impossible to you that the pain could be any less tomorrow or next year. But keep living your life. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and being open to new things, and eventually your pain will diminish. You will find things to make you smile. You will find new people to fall in love with. And perhaps she will come back into your life and explain what happened. Give it time. I guarantee you that if you keep living your life and trying to keep it together, eventually it will get easier. When my husband left me, I couldn't believe that I could survive it. But now, three years later, I'm in a much better place emotionally and physically and sexually that I was during my relationship. I am happy about much of what is happening in my life, and I have optimism for the future. You will get to the same point, even it you can't see how just at the moment. Trust me.

 

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[sillylittlepet]

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I know your post was for Death, but I'm in the middle of a breakup right now too and words like that are comforting : )
At least for me

 

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[sebastian]

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Silly, I realized about half an hour ago that I had gotten so focused on Death's situation that I forgot that you had posted about a break up as well. I'm sorry. I'm glad my post to him had some value for you. Break-ups suck--there's no doubt about it. But life is more than just our relationships, as good as those are. Mourning the end of something good is imporant, but it's important to eventually turn and look at the good things that remain.

 

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