NEWCOMER'S FAQ: READ BEFORE POSTING

sebastian

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Thank you for this great intro! I'm completely new to BDSM and I've enjoyed reading these posts (and also others) and learned a lot of important things!

I also have a question, don't know if it's the best place to post, please let me know if I should move it.

So, together with my girlfriend we are thinking of getting some BDSM, pain, wax stuff into our relationship. We will start easy with some waxing, some light bondage. We are both inexperienced with complete domination, so we don't know how to start the play. Should we start with some normal foreplay to get into mood and then switch or first should we have foreplay and make her come without penetration and then switch or have sex and then switch? Or just start with bondaging and waxing, but then should I (male, dom) also do some sexual things to her?

My concern is that until now we only had "regular sex" and positive stimulation, of course with some in-between spanking and nipple pulling and all that regular stuff, but now we want to try something else and don't want to end up in a play where we don't get in the mood or fall-back.

Does it make any sense? :confused:

Rufusz: The FAQ is not the place to ask specific questions about your particular situation. Post those in a new thread. But I'll offer a framework for a first-time session that inexperienced doms can adapt to their own play. I'm going to write this to the dom; if you're a sub with an inexperienced dom, you might show this to your dom. I'm going to assume the sub is male (I'm gay, get over it). I am also going to assume that you've done some reading about basic safety precautions for bondage and pain play.

Start out by having a conversation with your sub. Find out what he wants to try and what he wants to put out of bounds for the moment. My advice is to leave anything really heavy or frightening out of your first session. This is about discovering the pleasures of power exchange, so you want simple forms of play that will help you build up your confidence. After you've talked with your sub, don't play right away. Wait a day or two to build some excitement and help you plan things out. Don't try to script your session, but maybe come up with an outline to follow in your head. Identify a few things you'd like to do to your sub that fall within the boundaries of what he's interested in.

1) Have the sub come into your presence. You can either stand or sit, but you should be dressed. Order the sub to undress, item by item ("take off your shirt. Now take off your shoes and socks...") When the sub is naked, move over to the sub and inspect his body. Touch him, caress his body, make comments about what can be improved (unless your sub is really insecure about his looks). Get to the sexual parts last. Make him bend over and display his ass. Finger his asshole. Squeeze his cock and balls or nipples. This idea here is to objectify the sub's body and establish that his body is your plaything. Take your time with this whole step--it builds tension and excitement and makes it clear that you're playing at your pace, not his pace. Staying clothed while your sub is naked reinforces the power differential. Pay attention to his body language and his breathing--these are good clues to what things you're doing that are turning him on.

2) Order the sub to kneel. Ask him if he wishes to serve you for a few hours. Give him a safe word. (I often say "If I don't hear that safe word come out of your mouth, I'm gonna do whatever I feel like to you.") Then order the sub to worship you. The sub is to caress your body, lick your boots, rub his face in your crotch, talk about how wonderful you are, and so on. This part may feel awkward if you've never had it done before, but again, this is about establishing your superior position. You can tell the sub how to worship you or you can let the sub do what he's inspired to do. Hold off on getting any oral service for the moment. I often tell the sub that he's not convincing me he's glad to be there, so he needs to work harder.

3) When you're ready for oral service (getting head), draw the sub's head to your crotch and ask him if he wants to suck/lick/finger you. When he says yes, tell him you don't think he's eager enough. Make him beg for it. Remind him what a reward your cock/pussy is, and he's going to have to give you his best service if he wants to get that reward again. You can draw this out--make him beg to see your cock/pussy, then make him beg to touch it, then beg to kiss or lick etc, etc. You can order him to use just his tongue to start with, then let him add his lips, then his fingers. If you like humiliation play, tell him he's not doing a very good job, or give him instructions about what you particularly like. Again, this reminds him of who's in charge.

4) Once you're satisfied, give your sub some attention. This is the time to tie him up, or spank him, or do whatever forms of play he's said he's curious about. Once you've done whatever kinky play you enjoy for a little while (maybe 15 minutes), get more specifically sexual with him. Stroke his cock, suck it, use a toy on his ass. Then go back to kinky play, and alternate these. Build up his arousal this way, but don't let him cum. Make it clear that he doesn't get to cum until you give permission. Throw in more sex--oral service for you, fucking him, whatever you enjoy.

5) When you're ready to finish, get yourself off (in your preferred fashion) first. If you like humiliation, consider cumming on his face or body or making him lick your cum off you. Then make him beg for permission to cum. Let him get himself off or get him off yourself. There are two reasons to do it in this order. A) It re-affirms your dominant position. B) Some subs' ability to be submissive declines sharply after orgasm. Their ability to handle pain probably declines. So letting the sub cum first may leave the sub struggling to finish the scene.

6) Once your sub has cum, play is over for this first session. Untie him if he's still tied, remove any pain toys, and proceed to aftercare (explained in a different post of the FAQ). Ask him what he liked the most, what he wanted more of, and what he liked least or would have liked to be done differently. Share your own feelings about what you liked and didn't like. Talk about what you might like to add next time.

Obviously there is a lot of room to customize this according to your particular interests and limits. Don't rush this session, but don't go much over an hour or two, even if things are really going well. You want to finish with both of you eager for more. Likewise, don't try every form of play you're interested in--try one or two things. Tie him up and spank him; next time tie him up, blindfold him, spank him and torture his tits. The idea here is to slowly explore, add one or two new things each time, until you've built up a repertoire of things to do and you've developed the confidence to play without planning things out.
 
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Smallest

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For those who came here because of 50 Shades

The Fifty Shades Post: Let's Start This

I finally found a summary of what is wrong with 50 Shades that I like, so here it is. It does lean negative, and I know one with positives as well would also help, but it's the best summation I have found of the negative that doesn't lean too humorous or extreme.

To the newcomers reading this: Please try not to feel defensive if you read the book or it sparked your interest in BDSM. The point of this post is not to bash you, but to, if you haven't done more research yet, show the things you need to know.

On Fifty Shades of Grey
Taken from here.
  • Dominants are usually not attracted to weaklings. People like Ana who are naive, inexperienced, and pathetic are not likely to attract the attentions of these types of men. If a dominant is going to “possess” a woman, he wants something there to possess. If you have absolutely no experience or knowledge in being pleasing—not just sexually, but all around—then what could dominion over you possibly bring to him as a benefit? From my experience, most dominant men don’t like meek little push-overs, they like dynamic and well-rounded submissives who have grace, and beauty, and talent, and culture, and intelligence, and passion, and strength, and power all their own, someone to be proud of owning who brings positive things to their life. Imagine you are someone who wants to tame an animal; would you feel more accomplished having tamed a housecat or a lion? Do not expect that anyone will value your submission to them just because you are hollow but pretty; develop yourself in all areas and you will be much more likely to attract a dominant mate and serve him well.

  • Dominants are not spawned by abuse. I cannot refute that trauma and abuse histories are often common among those who practice alternative and fringe sexualities of all kinds (I myself could be an example); once we are deeply affected by tragedy or abuse it’s not entirely out of line to expect that you will develop different needs out of your relationships and how you express yourself. The idea that Christian is the model for what all these doms are like, though, is patently false. If someone’s motivation for playing with you is acting out fantasies of abuse and revenge, you shouldn’t give in, you should get them help or get as far away from them as possible. The best, and really, as far as I’m concerned, only reason someone should want to play with you should be because they legitimately want to based on your own personal merits, not because of what someone did to them previously or because they can’t let go of their past. Not every dominant walking around was fucked up as a kid and now has to fuck up others to make himself happy. In fact, I would highly recommend that, if you are involved with a dominant like that, you not be. Nothing good can come of a situation where someone has power and control and is using it to take their emotional issues out on you physically. That’s not sexy, that’s just sociopathic and abusive. There are ways to use BDSM as a spiritual and therapeutic practice to work through issues and move beyond our pain and limitations, regardless of role, but that is a far cry from the model of Christian Grey. Be sure of the intentions and motivations of your partner, dominant or otherwise; revenge, anger, hatred, resentment, rage, fear, etc. are not worthwhile reasons to be doing any of these things.

  • Submissives have a responsibility to themselves and to their dominants, and where that is chiefly concerned is limits. When it comes to limits, they have a responsibility to themselves to make their dealbreakers (hard limits) known and to agree to only that which they are willing to do. They have a responsibility to their dominants to live up to their word when they agree to a certain set of rules and limits, and they have a responsibility to communicate any issues they have with what they agreed upon if a problem arises and work through it or renegotiate. The submissive is the one with the real control; a proper dominant will not use the control they’re given to encroach upon the submissive’s wellbeing and will not make them do anything they don’t want to do…but only if the submissive makes it clear where those boundaries lie. The other side to that coin, though, is that if you are a submissive and you agree to do something, you have to honour it. Basic premise? A good submissive doesn’t make promises they can’t keep, and doesn’t keep promises they can’t make.

  • Boundaries exist for a reason, as I said. There are “hard” and “soft” limits in BDSM negotiations, meaning that there are things that are hands-down not doable or there are some limits that can be tested, pushed, and transcended as the love and trust between partners grows. It is paramount that these things are communicated properly between both parties from the start. For one, it allows both of you to see if you really have an interest in participating in what the other person wants and if the role they’d like you to assume is one you really want to play. For two, the lines you draw are the ones that will separate your play from abuse. If a dominant ignores your hard limits and coerces you into more than you signed up for, that is abusive and you are not obligated to endure it because they broke their promise to you. If a submissive agrees to do something and then later refuses to be obedient, if punishment or renegotiation aren’t a possibility then you are not obligated to put up with them, either, because they also broke a promise to you. These relationships are no different than any other in that you set up parameters of what you are and are not comfortable with, and if your partner is careless with that, there is no law saying you have to put up with it. Offering yourself up for someone’s abuse and picking and choosing obedience on a whim are not what makes a submissive. Violating someone’s trust and boundaries and using them as a puppet for your own amusement is not what makes a dominant.

  • Negotiations should be made before any real interactions begin. Ana and Christian became involved before any ground rules were laid down and any limits were discussed, and even after Christian presented her with a contract, Ana continued to fool around with him but refused to agree to or sign anything. Regardless of which role you play, this is a vital piece of the whole BDSM code of conduct. As a submissive, Ana needs to understand that communicating her wants, needs, and limits will keep Christian from using and abusing her and violating her comfort zones, and if she really wants to submit to him, being disobedient from the get-go is not a good way to start. As a dominant, Christian needs to understand that there are places he just should not go until or unless Ana gives him express consent, and he needs to figure out if he really wants to play with someone who is unable or unwilling to come to agreements ahead of time. Not to mention, someone in Christian’s shoes could find himself in legitimate legal trouble if he went along with the book and just did whatever he wanted to his submissive while she wavered on whether or not she “felt like” laying out her boundaries.

  • Rough sex and toys are not the foundation of a BDSM relationship. Power and pleasure are not the ultimate goals. Neither are coercion, or victimization, or any of the other backwards themes in the 50 Shades series. The backbone of these relationships is trust and the goal is transcendence. When trust is there, all things are possible. A trustworthy dominant makes for a submissive who can fully and safely give up their control and open themselves to moving beyond their limits (the soft ones at the very least) to find themselves capable of more than they thought, one who genuinely serves and and gives themself over to another. A trustworthy submissive makes for a dominant who finds his emotional burdens eased and himself served well, and it allows him to be human, vulnerable, and tender without giving up strength and control. Trust breeds transcendence, and allows the parties involved to move beyond or outside themselves to experience something greater than they thought they could ever be, or do. Without trust, you can expect to go no further than the bed, the dungeon, the hospital, or the morgue.

  • Never base anything you do, especially in your sex life, on fiction written by someone who admittedly has done zero research and experienced nothing of their subject. Author E. L. James has mentioned in several interviews that she did absolutely no research into BDSM relationships, roles, concepts, etc. before writing her popular trilogy. Would you take medical advice from someone you just passed on the street? Would you take career advice from someone who is unemployed? One step further, James has also mentioned that she herself has no experience or involvement in the scene and only knows one person who has, and most of the comments she made about both him and his lifestyle and interests as well as the BDSM community as a whole are incredibly negative and still paint the picture of us as deviants and weirdos and freaks. So I pose further questions. If you were considering abortion and wanted advice, would you consult your most ardently pro-life friend? If you were looking into meditation and Eastern spiritual philosophy, would you consult your Fundamentalist Christian friend? Is this making any sense? Unless you are a complete fucking idiot, there is no reasonable explanation as to why you would base what you do in your life on the words/thoughts/advice/etc. of someone who, by all accounts, knows absolutely nothing about the subject at hand, doesn’t want to, and has a negative opinion of what it is you want to do.
 
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Smallest

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50 Shades continued

The Above, Summarized (originally for Fetlife):
  • The relationship depicted is not BDSM, it is abuse.
  • Many situations and circumstances involve Christian forcing Ana, violating her consent, ignoring her boundaries, not taking no for an answer, knowingly putting her in dangerous and harmful situations, and using her for his own purposes.
  • The books enforce a backwards notion that as long as you are rich and attractive, you can treat people like puppets, and as long as your partner is rich and attractive, it's worth it to let them abuse you.
  • These books teach that an interest in BDSM is a symptom of past abuse, both of which must be "cured."
  • Dominance in these books equates to, "Because I'm powerful, dangerous, fucked up, and I said so," and submission equates to, "Because I'm nothing and He said so."
  • Submissives in these books, via Ana, are painted as weak, meek, gullible, insecure, virginal, mousy little dormats with no knowledge of their own pleasure and no voice of dissent.
  • The types of social and safety protocols we all engage in are completely ignored and give the false impression that a BDSM relationship occurs when a Dom walks up to a sub (whether she knows she's one yet or not) and says, "That's mine."
  • Concepts like limits (soft and hard), consent, negotiations, trust, and obedience are not present. Christian does whatever he wants, and Ana says no to orders she agrees to.
  • The backbone of a "solid" BDSM relationship is depicted here as using each other with the aid of rough sex and toys.
  • The writer herself has openly stated that she did no research into BDSM, the community, or the types of relationships within and views it negatively.

By the above writer from the blog, or ta-gra-agam-duit on Fet

And to add one myself:
  • Christian discourages Ana from seeing friends and gets angry when she goes out without permission. Though disobeying can be a bad thing in a D/s or M/s relationship, all subs (and Dominants!) should be encouraged to have friends outside the relationship. Isolating someone is a huge warning sign of abuse.

You may find more on this subject here and on other parts of Fetlife if you search, and in this thread on SMplace. There is more on the individual topics within the FAQ.
 
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sebastian

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Zinrath: No. The BDSM triskele simply demonstrates interest in BDSM. If you wear it, you may attract attention from others who may assume you're experienced. So be prepared to clarify your level of interest if someone asks you. But it doesn't flag one as either dom or sub, and doesn't flag any particular kink. So it can be a nice subtle symbol one can use to discretely advertise, since most of the people who will recognize it are kinky or kink-friendly.
 
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sebastian

Active Member

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The purpose of the FAQ is to provide those new to BDSM with information about the basic nature of kinky play, power exchange relationships, and things like that. It's meant to help people get started, get the basics straight, and feel like they have a foundation off of which they can build. The FAQ isn't for tips of all types, or specific questions. But if people think there is something important that hasn't been covered yet, they should feel free to leave a post here.
 
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drvenkman

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Great post, Smallest. Fifty Shades is an example of saucy fan fiction turned into a novel, which is why the writing is pretty unsophisticated and clumsy. I'm surprised it's become as popular as it has, since the relationship doesn't make a lot of sense. It's basically Twilight in a law firm. No one should take relationship advice from fan fiction... especially not fan fiction based on Twilight.
 
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kosvince

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http://xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

This is my favorite newbie website, plus it has tons of tips and ideas!
The "Domming for nice guys" is a great article when showing boyfriends that BDSM does not equal abuse.

Communication is the number one most important part of BDSM. Always be open and honest with your partner about what you like and dislike. Discuss your scenes after you do them. Even an experienced dom/sub hasn't learned everything yet, and they certainly dont know everything about you.

Remember that both subs and doms have rights that need to be respected. Keep a safe word for stopping the scene, but it never hurts to always have a "go word" that the sub can use to tell his or her dom that they are okay and the scene can continue. This is a useful tool for nervous new doms who are worried about hurting their partner.

I agree, it's a cute little site xx
 
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