The random chat/off topic thread

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Just wanted to stop in and say hi.

So everyone knows I've been going through a divorce if you read my divorce thread. It has been a lot to deal with for me. I lost my job, I'm staying with my mom, have no money coming in, unemployment isn't looking hopeful. Dealing with all that is hard enough.

The other night my mom started to have some chest pains. She thought it was just heartburn, but after 10minutes she felt her arm going numb, nausea and sweating. My little bro got online and read about the symptoms. Easy enough to guess it was a heart attack, but we wanted to make sure. The first hour is the most critical when dealing with a heart attack. We made the decision to go to the ER after just 30min. She was being seen 40min into the pain. Was life flighted to a heart center 2hrs away (which is where I sit while typing this on my phone) Long story short me and my brothers quick actions saved her life. It was only a clogged artery, but could have been much worse. She was in intensive care for 2 days.

She is doing very well now. Besides normal soreness she is back to normal. Making us laugh and talking up a storm.

I just about snapped. I have just lost my wife, my daughter is moving states away, my job is gone. If I were to lose my mom on top of all that I'm not sure what I would have done. I'm not on my depression pills so I take everything hard.

I am going to move in with my brother (who lives 900miles away) after the divorce is final. I haven't told anyone, but I have been growing somewhat suicidal lately. I'm losing everything I have ever worked for. I probably should tell my family I've had suicidal thoughts, but I don't want them to freak out about it.

Anyway, on a better note I dressed my lil girl up as a monkey on halloween. Best last minute costume I could find. She was so cute! She was 8 and a half months in halloween so of course everyone loved her. The highlight of the night for me was when she stood on her own for 10seconds before falling down. She is so close to walking now! She does awesome at walking when we hold one of her hands. So just a little more balance and she will be walking at just over 9months. I don't know if that's fast or not, but I know two people with older kids not even standing yet at 16months.

I do my best writing, which isn't saying much, when I'm highly depressed. So I've been writing some erotica stories. Sex/bdsm takes my mind off things and let's me relax. With everything I have going on that's hard to come by.

Anyway, I have missed everyone on the forum a lot. I haven't been on long before I disappeared with this divorce happening, but I love the atmosphere and people here. I'm going to try to be on more from now on.

Everyone is thinking "I hope he has shorter posts from now on too"

Everyone I know tells me I need a good fuck, so I need some help. *offers wrists* I need a master! :D
 
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Cuffy, I am so sorry that things have gotten so bad for you. I understand how you feel. When my husband left me, things just seemed to collapse around me. He left me in June, less than two months before I was supposed to move from Milwaukee to St Louis (he had moved down to St Louis the previous August for grad school). I was stuck in a two-bedroom apartment I couldn't afford with furniture I couldn't easily afford to move (and the beautiful view from the apartment was one of the few tiny bright spots and I couldn't bear to leave it). I had terrible luck finding a roommate. (So I was stuck in an apartment I couldn't afford, couldn't leave, and couldn't get help paying for.) My primarily teaching job ran out and I hadn't arranged new work in Milwaukee because I had expected to move out of the city (and college teaching contracts have to be arranged about 6 months ahead of time). My health insurance was expiring with the job and I couldn't afford COBRA payments. I barely knew anyone in Milwaukee, and the primary couple that I did know broke up right about the same time, so they were both miserable (to make matters worse, they both found new relationships, whereas I, the fabulous freak of nature, couldn't even get a date, much less sex or anything meaningful). The other couple I was friends with also broke up (and they both quickly found new partners too--what the hell was wrong with me?) And then my mother, the absolute rock of my existence, had a stroke. If my closest friend in the city hadn't figured out that something was wrong one day, I would have killed myself.

But things got better. A short-term teaching contract dropped in my lap by chance. I was able to figure out a way to save my health insurance. I found a series of not very good roommates but was able to manage the apartment problem. One of the few other people I was sort of friends with invited me to start hanging out on Mondays to watch tv with him and his friends, which gave me something to do and a few new friends. That friendship really blossomed and he eventually moved in to my apartment. My mom's stroke turned out to be fairly benign and she's nearly totally recovered now. I discovered I'm sexually dominant, lost 40 lbs, and for the first time in my life, guys are telling me I'm the hottest damn thing they've ever seen and begging me to use them. I started writing a scholarly book largely to occupy my time and that's just gone to the editor. And my ex and I are starting to salvage a friendship. My life is fairly good. There have been a few bumps along the way--I woke up one morning when a cat I loved dearly was vomiting blood and had to watch him die that night. I've had some health issues. I'm facing another problem with my health insurance next summer. But overall, my life is doing fairly well.

So believe me when I say that I know how horrible you feel right now. I understand what it feels like when life seems to be falling apart in slow motion. I understand what black depression and the desire to kill yourself looks like. But I promise you, things will get better. Right now, you are in so much pain you just want something to put an end to the pain. You can't imagine that your pain will ever diminish, and if all you have to look forward to is a lifetime of monstrous pain, killing yourself now seems like a pretty reasonable deal. If your only two options are decades of unending pain or self-annihilation, self-annihilation is the brighter choice. And it can seem mighty tempting to kill yourself as a way to spite your wife.

But here's the thing. Those aren't your only two options. There's a third option, and it's far more likely than the decades of utter misery you think you're facing. That option is that life will get better. And it will. I can't tell you exactly how, but it will. Maybe a good job will appear. Maybe you'll meet a new partner to fall in love (or just simply in lust) with. Maybe you will make meaningful new friends. Maybe your writing will blossom into a new career. Maybe your wife will change her mind and come back to you. Maybe all those things will happen. So don't give up before life has the opportunity to do what it always does and move you to a new (and better) place. Because eventually it will do that. I promise you.

Right now you may feel like you're holding on by your fingertips. But when those waves of black depression hit you, think about your baby daughter. She needs you. She may not be able to really say it now, and she may not even know it right now, but she needs you more than she will ever be able to say. She's only going to have one father, and it's you. No one else can ever be her father the way you are, so if you kill yourself, she's going to have to live with that huge hole in her life for the rest of her existence. And if you kill yourself now, you're going to miss all the decades of happiness that she is going to bring you, all the small triumphs like her first words and her first date and all the big triumphs like her job, her marriage, and so on. Her life is going to have its down points too, and during those moments she's gonna need you to be there for her to give her love, to advise her, and to just be a rock to cling to like your mom is doing for you right now. No one else can be that for her in the way you can. You are not replaceable in her life, even if your wife gets remarried. She needs you and she will be a source of endless joy even if nothing else is. You can't feel that joy right now because your pan is too fresh and too dark. But as time goes by, your pain will start to fade into a dull ache, and one day it will be gone, and as that process goes on, the joy she gives you and the happiness that other parts of your life will give you will start to become clearer to you. This WILL happen. I promise.

So in those moments when life seems utterly unbearable, think of your daughter. She has got to have you around. If you can't hold on for yourself, hold on for her.
 
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Seb: thank you for that. I get lost in thought a lot. Losing sight of what is important. Right now my daughter is in my arms asleep. She really is the only thing keeping me going right now.

Things have been looking down, but I just have to wait it out. I always forget that I have been in a low place like this before, but it ended and got better. This seems worse than before, but I know it will get better.

Thanks again Seb.
 
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*hugs Seb* why is it you always know just what to say?

My mother in law is threatening to kick us out into the cold and into a house that has no gas or water turned on. No finished kitchen. No appliances. An uneven foundation that has to be fixed before sheet rock can even go up. Yup. No sheetrock on the walls with exposed wires and insulation. The main problem, we will have a 1 year old and a 3 year old living in this house.

Also said mother in law is trying to get me to sell my personal pet frenchie. Just because she is due to come into heat sometime soon and had her first litter on her own (frenchies almost always have to have a c-section to deliver puppies) and because of those things she'll sell really quick and for a good price.

Anyways needless to say my MIL is driving me crazy and finding new ways to piss me off.
 
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SLP: I "raped" her. Dragged her into the bedroom and pushed her onto the bed and started turning her on. She really didn't want to do anything because she wanted to finish reading her book, so that was the 'rape' part to her. But she learned her lesson really quick so I didn't make her have sex.

I've done tickle torture with her before, but this time I wasn't feeling very good and I had told her ahead of time, "No tickling tonight, I don't feel well." Aaaaand she did it anyway. So, yeah X3

Ceilidh: Your mother in law is a bitch. Want me to kill her for you? Or maim her?
 
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Tumbl3, please?

Silly, yeah. And to make it even better, we aren't even in her way. On this property there is two houses. They live in the newer larger house, and we live in the smaller house. But apparently we have worn out our welcome here. And she doesn't understand that the house we are fixing up has to be raised because the foundation isn't level. And you can't hang sheetrock until it is level. But she wants us to hang the sheetrock now.

But oh well, my husband took pictures to show his mom and dad what's wrong with the house and his dad said realistically we can be in that house by new years, because of the problems they are finding wrong.

And another point to show you how stupid my mother in law is, my male roomate, she found a job for him. Well tell us this, when do you have time to get a job when you go to school from 8am to 330 pm (plus an hour drive distance from home to school, and another hour back home) and soon as school is out they go work on the house and don't get home until 8 or 9pm. Tell us when is there time to get a job on top of that? When? And if he quits school, he will have to pay back his grants he got for school.

Anyways. The last two nights him and his parents, mostly his mom, have been having it out. About an hour after they had it out last night she came over and directly asked me a question about the puppies, twice. I just kept my head down while I rinsed and loaded the dish washer. Didn't say a word or acknowledge her at all. Her response was "I guess she isn't talking to me" I know it was childish. But I had shut down I was so upset. I wasn't even acknowledging my hubby or son.

Later when I was about to fall asleep - thanks to a sleeping pill and a few tears, my hubby came in and told me thanks, that my not answering his mother was the best thing to do, to put her in her place or something like that.
 
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