The random chat/off topic thread

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Thought this might happen. So continued....

The second dream I had - I was running back and forth between my aunt and my cousin (who works for a vocational school) I was explaining to my aunt my sudden interest in becoming a Physical Therapy Aide (my sudden interest is true) and getting her opinion and I was trying to get info about this career from my cousin. Well while in doing so and talking to them I began to use my tounge to play with my back molars - I'm already missing one. I somehow ended up pulling loose the molars in front and behind my already missing tooth. And then I just get a dish towel to put into my mouth to get the bleeding to stop. And with the dish towel in my mouth I continue to try to communicate with my aunt and cousin while I'm in such pain and bleeding out my mouth.

Death, I am aware you don't know what has been burdening me. Both of our troubles began at the same time. And me being the martyr that I am, I kept silent. But I guess it is time I let it out. Nothing is going to change what is done. I just have to come to terms with it. Again.

Fri, Oct 8 I went to my local ER with bleeding during pregnancy. I was labeled 12 weeks from my last cycle. During that week I was trying to get set up with my new doctor. I went in on Wed. and the ultrasound tech said "you aren't 12 weeks" then said she couldn't get a good read on me; abdominal or vaginal, that the next day I would have to go to a local hospital for a more in depth ultrasound. I did so and was unable to see this ultrasound. My "doctor's office" called me that evening and informed me that that my ultrasound came back "abnormal." The next morning, Fri, I woke up with bleeding. I called my "doc" and informed them of my situation and they said with my medical history I should go to the ER - my last pregnancy, I lost a baby girl at 5 months due to chorioamnioitis, I went to the er 3 times with sudden gushing bleeding.

Well after spending all day in the ER- urine tests, blood tests, another ultrasound. I was informed that I had an in
 
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And again. Continued.....

Well after spending all day in the ER- urine tests, blood tests, another ultrasound. I was informed that I had an infection and my 12 week fetus stopped growing at 8 weeks. Oh, and I had to have a d&c done to remove said fetus. Again.

The irony? When I was 8 weeks I tried going to "dr. Smith" I was informed by his nurses that he was not taking on any new patients at this time, to try again in a few weeks. Hence why I was 12 weeks and trying to finally see a doctor. Well the irony is "dr. Smith" is the doctor who performed this d&c.

The painful parts is 1) I lost my baby that took me over a year to conceive. 2) my cousin is having a girl - what I wanted. 3) my friend had a baby girl. 4) another friend's brother is having twins. 5) hell, two 17 year olds are having twins! -- and I feel defective. Like it is my fault, but I know it isn't but I still feel like it partly is. But I didn't do anything wrong. I was taking prenatal vitamins at 4 weeks and I have been conscious of what I was doing and eating.

Now to the recent event. My mother in law decided to chew out my hubby because him and our male roomate aren't fixing up the rental day and night - the place we are to move into. And she is complaining about me and my female roomate not helping them. Well my first thought was - "I'm sorry my pregnancy and miscarriage came at an inconvience to you." But I honestly don't believe a pregnant woman should be tearing down walls, running electrical wires, laying insulation and putting up sheetrock. My body is just now starting to return to normal. However my emotions is another matter.

Seb, your Roman author sounds interesting. Very interesting indeed. I am trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Honestly, I am. But it is hard. Since my hubby cornered me that one night (I know it makes him sound evil, but he isn't. He knows by cornering me and making me talk is the only way I'll talk )and "called me out" on me always stopping myself when I started to cry. He told me it was
 
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Last one I promise.

Continued....

Seb, your Roman author sounds interesting. Very interesting indeed. I am trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Honestly, I am. But it is hard. Since my hubby cornered me that one night (I know it makes him sound evil, but he isn't. He knows by cornering me and making me talk is the only way I'll talk )and "called me out" on me always stopping myself when I started to cry. He told me it was okay to cry and that I have every damn right to cry. So since then I've been trying to let myself cry when I start to cry, and feel what I feel.
 
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Ceilidh: You've got a lot of pent up emotion there. Just let yourself be with your feelings and give yourself time to work through them. And we've already talked about it, but I'm sorry again. You'll get through it.

You have vivid dreams. Some people do. It's not unheard of. I occasionally have dreams that seem to real that I have to stop and think, 'wait, did that happen for real?'. But that should help you realize that your dreams don't necessarily come true. The dream with your aunt and your cousin seems to be an anxiety dream about your new interest in physical therapy. You're worrying if you will be able to do it. The detail about the tooth falling out might (here I'm guessing) be a symbol of your feeling powerless or incapable (since teeth are symbols of power, aggression, and the ability to affect things--think about the way people talk about 'taking a bite of' something).
 
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I have been meaning to post for a few days now, I've just been busy - taking care of 9 animals with fleas ( 3 cats, 6 dogs) plus thoroughly cleaning the house because of spiders and mice trying to hibernate inside, and laundry. Not to mention Halloween - trick or treating with kids and creating costumes.

But Seb, you are right. I do have a lot of pent up emotions. I guess I never learned how to express myself other than 'the arts' - drawing, writing, acting, music, dancing......

But anyways. Since I've been so busy I've been able to keep my mind off of things. So I have been feeling better. How long this feeling will last, I don't know. But I am going to try to enjoy it while I can.
 
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Silly, I do have a kid. He wore a costume I wore when I was a little girl. He was a mouse.

I wore a mostly green (think of a peacock feather) prom dress I wore for my JR prom, um 8 years ago. And I made fairy wings - that turned out AWESOMELY - and put flowers in my hair. I went as a woods-fairy. :)

And yes. I did just say I wore a dress I wore 8 years ago and I STILL FIT IT!! I know. I was shocked too! :) :) :)
 
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