Switch is a "dirty word"?

[P.S.Eudonym]

Heh, I know the feeling. I am still working on that one.

I disagree about BDSM being a choice though. Practicing BDSM certainly is a choice, but the desire for control and dominance or submission is not in my opinion. Thats an expression of our natural sexuality. We can chose to supress those urges but that is not a healthy thing to do in my experience.

 

[RS1981]

Exactly, that's what I meant by choice. I've always been dominant in relationships and I tend to feel a bit empty when a woman doesn't receive it well. I can manage without it but I understand what you mean about it being unhealthy. It's definitely not a comfortable or easy thing to do without it.

 

[arsynrose]

Well what do you do when you really feel a calling to be a submissive but the person your in love with is uncomfortable with it and prefers you to be more dominant than you really are?

 

[WildsweetSwitch]

Arsynrose, that's a difficult position to be in. I'd imagine that everyone in a relationship makes concessions and compromises; and both of you might have to do those very things.

As my name would indicate, I'm a switch.
For years, I was always the dominant one in my past relationships. I thoroughly enjoy topping men and women. It's exciting and powerful. I love the look of longing to please on a subs face. But I am a masochist first, and a sadist second.

Then, I met my current partner in crime. From the moment I met him, I felt this intense need to kneel before him and give him what he wanted. And I did. I got on my knees and sucked his cock the first time we met. It was a wonderful experience. I realized that I enjoyed earning his approval and feeling a little helpless around him. It was very different from being the dominant woman I've always been, but still strangely satisfying. Now, 5 years later, I still crave him topping me... just as I crave a slave of my own to top.

In response the the first poster, I guess it's a lot like how gay and lesbians have been known to dislike the nomenclature of "bisexual." So, somehow it's not ok to like both genders OR enjoy topping and bottoming. Obviously, I am a bisexual switch. It's hard sometimes, but also very gratifying to have less boundaries.

 

[sebastian]

Arsyn, Wild's right; there's a good deal of compromise involved in bdsm, despite the appearance to the contrary. Both doms and subs have limits that the other has to accommodate, and both may need to accept that the other cannot meet certain desires.

The situation that you're describing, of a sub partnering with a sub, is not that surprising. There's a general estimate that subs outnumber doms by about 10 to 1. Thus many subs wind up having to play with other subs; in that situation, one sub inevitably winds up playing the role of dom, either on a regular basis or regularly switching with the other. Most of those in that situation that I've chatted with express a certain amount of frustration or dissatisfaction with the arrangement, but some feel that they make it work, although some hope that they will eventually find a dom to serve.

 

[RS1981]

I think the main reason subs outnumber doms is because there are many people who are naturally dominant but they're too afraid to act on it for whatever reason. Well it's just a guess anyway, but I think if more people were willing to "come out" as it were, there would be about an equal number. Whether those doms are actually any good at it is another story.

 

[Smallest]

I don't like the hierarchic thing sebastian was telling us, even if it was true. I like being a sub, I wouldn't want to progress to domming. Likewise, my Master and other doms wouldn't want to sub and progress in ranks before having their place.

Of course, in a relationship of only two or three people rather than a society, it matters less anyway, I suppose.

In response to the first question, it's not nowadays, although you need to see how much dom/sub's okay with partner(s) either way

 

[sebastian]

RS: I've heard the argument that dominant women often don't discover their dominance because the culture discourages from recognizing it. I'm not sure that argument works for men, but it's possible.

Smallest: The idea wasn't that all subs eventually moved up to being doms. Rather, the idea was that all doms were expected to start as subs. It taught them empathy for what subs experience. Also, remember that the early leathermen were mostly guys who had served in the military in WWII. The idea of a hierarchy of power and authority that one progressed through made a lot of sense to them. Many of them were trying to recreate that all-male society with a power differential, to relive the sexual and emotional bonding experiences they had had during the war.

 

[RS1981]

What I mean is that there's still a negative stigma surrounding BDSM, and when people know you're into it usually there's judgement. That's why I think people prefer to suppress their desires, they're afraid somehow it'll become public knowledge. On the other hand people generally tend to keep their sex life a secret anyway, whether or not it's vanilla or BDSM.

 

[Smallest]

Sebastian, that makes a lot more sense than how I understood.

RS etc, it's true, especially because a lot of them fear being called abusive.