MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Well put, that's exactly the problem. American culture teachings. So, I think I'll do just exactly that. Thanks for all your help and suggestions, all! It's really helped out. A lot.
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
Struggling with how to approach this right....
- Thread starter edjixxx
- Start date
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
edji's my "sweetheart"
New Member
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Well you certainly cannot go more than a day without posting here!! LOL
Thank you all again for your in depth and experienced responses...this is very educational for me. I am not trying to put the "cart before the horse" at all, I am only trying to grasp an understanding and feel for things. A few of the comments that are being made are making me feel kind of defensive though, and I believe edji is beginning to feel the same way. All we are trying to do is work through it and ask as we go, as it is a big pill to swallow at once. From the heart, I feel like edji is very concerned about losing his dream, and has become anxious instead of just relaxing and taking things one day/one experience at a time...He hates delayed gratification, and that is definitely coming across considering he has had these fantasies for a long time. That is something between us, and is not new (for us) at all.
I personally feel like we do need a safe word, and I always have. Edji did not like the idea of having that control (being able to say "no" to me during play), but I think he is coming to realize it is necessary. The color system is a great idea...I like that a lot better than the words we came up with, lol ( :
I believe my pleasure is something that we will decide and figure out on our own as the ground rules are set and time continues. I am sure most women would vouch that satisfaction in the bedroom could always use some improving *wink wink* and not just in a D/s relationship.
My only concern right now is that edji may have thought he would like being a slave 24/7, but it is more of fantasy, and the reality and setting is not what he expected. Again, I believe that is something only time will tell.
So far here is the top list of ideas and their outcome:
Chastity play: undecided
Pain play: need more experience
him doing household chores: does not work for us as he works plenty. Stanley, I would like to be able to have everything done when he is not around, but between 3 kids and a full time online job, there is not enough time...I wish there was, I despise doing house work when he is home because we don't get enough time together as it is. I am working toward bringing someone else in to help around the house, so that we can spend more time together and put our focus/time "where we want to" better
Bringing home paycheck: yes this will work
kissing feet/boots: edji hates feet...huge turn off, so no
delayed orgasm: undecided, only time will tell
written set of rules/rituals: working on that... I have a feeling that in the end THIS will be key to our D/s success or demise. (Which you already know/knew and are laughing at me)
I would be happy to hear even more creative ideas on establishing the hierarchy, if we are not beginning to bore you all...
Our relationship has NEVER been by the book, and I don't believe it ever will be. We have gone through and came out of some situations that a lot of marriages/relationships would not have endured, and somehow we have come out stronger and closer together. Considering I am a "by the book" person, I am realizing that edji and I need to work together to find what works for us...noticing a pattern
Hope I am being clear, as I would prefer to respond sooner, but life seems to prevent that.
Hope your days are going well!!
Thank you all again for your in depth and experienced responses...this is very educational for me. I am not trying to put the "cart before the horse" at all, I am only trying to grasp an understanding and feel for things. A few of the comments that are being made are making me feel kind of defensive though, and I believe edji is beginning to feel the same way. All we are trying to do is work through it and ask as we go, as it is a big pill to swallow at once. From the heart, I feel like edji is very concerned about losing his dream, and has become anxious instead of just relaxing and taking things one day/one experience at a time...He hates delayed gratification, and that is definitely coming across considering he has had these fantasies for a long time. That is something between us, and is not new (for us) at all.
I personally feel like we do need a safe word, and I always have. Edji did not like the idea of having that control (being able to say "no" to me during play), but I think he is coming to realize it is necessary. The color system is a great idea...I like that a lot better than the words we came up with, lol ( :
I believe my pleasure is something that we will decide and figure out on our own as the ground rules are set and time continues. I am sure most women would vouch that satisfaction in the bedroom could always use some improving *wink wink* and not just in a D/s relationship.
My only concern right now is that edji may have thought he would like being a slave 24/7, but it is more of fantasy, and the reality and setting is not what he expected. Again, I believe that is something only time will tell.
So far here is the top list of ideas and their outcome:
Chastity play: undecided
Pain play: need more experience
him doing household chores: does not work for us as he works plenty. Stanley, I would like to be able to have everything done when he is not around, but between 3 kids and a full time online job, there is not enough time...I wish there was, I despise doing house work when he is home because we don't get enough time together as it is. I am working toward bringing someone else in to help around the house, so that we can spend more time together and put our focus/time "where we want to" better
Bringing home paycheck: yes this will work
kissing feet/boots: edji hates feet...huge turn off, so no
delayed orgasm: undecided, only time will tell
written set of rules/rituals: working on that... I have a feeling that in the end THIS will be key to our D/s success or demise. (Which you already know/knew and are laughing at me)
I would be happy to hear even more creative ideas on establishing the hierarchy, if we are not beginning to bore you all...
Our relationship has NEVER been by the book, and I don't believe it ever will be. We have gone through and came out of some situations that a lot of marriages/relationships would not have endured, and somehow we have come out stronger and closer together. Considering I am a "by the book" person, I am realizing that edji and I need to work together to find what works for us...noticing a pattern
Hope I am being clear, as I would prefer to respond sooner, but life seems to prevent that.
Hope your days are going well!!
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
sebastian
Active Member
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
EMS, here's a few thoughts:
1) If Edji's not ready for full slavery, don't do slavery yet. Just take him as your sub, with an eye toward training him for slavery. Subs have more autonomy than a full slave. Set some rules about what things you control and what things he is allowed to have his way on. As the two of you get good at that, then slowly add more rules, reduce his say and his autonomy until eventually you two are in an arrangement that works for you both.
2) Subs need to learn to accept delayed gratification. The desire for gratification can be a powerful training tool. Chastity is an extreme form of this, but you can use lesser grades of it. For example, a starting point might be that he doesn't get any pleasure until you've had your orgasm. Or make him request/beg for permission to cum. This allows you to be really evil if you want--if he hasn't been properly submissive outside the bedroom, force him to beg longer or better. Or try edging him (not be confused with edge play). Edging is a practice where you stroke him (this works best if he's tied up and can't stroke himself, but you can just order him to lie down and not touch himself). Stroke him up to the edge of orgasm, and then stop and make him do something for you (like kissing or licking your pussy). As the urge to cum recedes, start edging him again. Lather, rinse, repeat until he's getting desperate. Make him beg to cum. Then when you're ready, stroke him to orgasm. This tends to produce intense orgasms (I've seen guys thrash so much I worried they were having a seizure, but not all guys respond quite so violently). The idea here is to train him to wait for his orgasm and show him that waiting can be pleasurable. It also emphasizes your control--he cums only when you choose, not when he chooses. His pleasure becomes a reward for good behavior, a gift from his mistress, and not something he's entitled to.
3) You're his mistress. You own his cock. It might be attached to him, but it's your property. He gets to use it only when you allow it.
4) Being a dominant women can involve a variety of 'identities'. Decide which one you like best and find ways to model your behavior on that identity. You can be the regal queen, the delicate princess, the demanding bitch, the saucy pirate queen, the seductive femme fatale, the ball-busting leather goddess, or whatever strong female character you like. If Angelina Jolie's action roles are appealing to you, be her. The idea is to find some sort of role model to help you picture yourself as a woman who takes what she wants. You don't have to mimic your role model, just imagine yourself doing the sorts of things she would do.
5) Don't swallow the big pill all at once. Break it up into pieces and swallow it one at a time. You two have a lifetime to explore and work out your perfect power exchange. Take it as fast or slow as you (and I mean just you) can manage it. When he pushes you to do a particular thing that you're not ready, just tell him no, you're in charge and you'll do it at your speed. If you need feel you need safeword (and you absolutely do for safe, sane play), require him to use one, and discipline him for not using it. Using a safe word is not a cop-out.
6) BDSM is about lower barriers. Subs allow themselves to be vulnerable to their doms, so make clear that he needs to do that. He needs to not hold back his fantasies and desires, or his fears. As his mistress, you have both a right and a need to know what's in his head. So ask him regularly what he's thinking and feeling. This will help you know what's going in, and it will also help him learn to trust you and be submissive.
7) If edji hates feet, then just make him kneel and kiss your hand or your knee. The point is to create a ritual that acts as a metaphor for his inferior position. When a sub kneels or lies down and the domme stands over him, it dramatically drives home the power differential; it gets past the brain into the heart. So find some way to make him kneeling and you standing a part of your ritual. Another good one is him standing in a formal, military-style posture, and you sitting comfortably. But as he gets better at being submissive, think about making him kiss your feet. Many dommes intentionally employ things that their subs dislike specifically because it shows the sub that the domme is in charge and gets what she wants.
1) If Edji's not ready for full slavery, don't do slavery yet. Just take him as your sub, with an eye toward training him for slavery. Subs have more autonomy than a full slave. Set some rules about what things you control and what things he is allowed to have his way on. As the two of you get good at that, then slowly add more rules, reduce his say and his autonomy until eventually you two are in an arrangement that works for you both.
2) Subs need to learn to accept delayed gratification. The desire for gratification can be a powerful training tool. Chastity is an extreme form of this, but you can use lesser grades of it. For example, a starting point might be that he doesn't get any pleasure until you've had your orgasm. Or make him request/beg for permission to cum. This allows you to be really evil if you want--if he hasn't been properly submissive outside the bedroom, force him to beg longer or better. Or try edging him (not be confused with edge play). Edging is a practice where you stroke him (this works best if he's tied up and can't stroke himself, but you can just order him to lie down and not touch himself). Stroke him up to the edge of orgasm, and then stop and make him do something for you (like kissing or licking your pussy). As the urge to cum recedes, start edging him again. Lather, rinse, repeat until he's getting desperate. Make him beg to cum. Then when you're ready, stroke him to orgasm. This tends to produce intense orgasms (I've seen guys thrash so much I worried they were having a seizure, but not all guys respond quite so violently). The idea here is to train him to wait for his orgasm and show him that waiting can be pleasurable. It also emphasizes your control--he cums only when you choose, not when he chooses. His pleasure becomes a reward for good behavior, a gift from his mistress, and not something he's entitled to.
3) You're his mistress. You own his cock. It might be attached to him, but it's your property. He gets to use it only when you allow it.
4) Being a dominant women can involve a variety of 'identities'. Decide which one you like best and find ways to model your behavior on that identity. You can be the regal queen, the delicate princess, the demanding bitch, the saucy pirate queen, the seductive femme fatale, the ball-busting leather goddess, or whatever strong female character you like. If Angelina Jolie's action roles are appealing to you, be her. The idea is to find some sort of role model to help you picture yourself as a woman who takes what she wants. You don't have to mimic your role model, just imagine yourself doing the sorts of things she would do.
5) Don't swallow the big pill all at once. Break it up into pieces and swallow it one at a time. You two have a lifetime to explore and work out your perfect power exchange. Take it as fast or slow as you (and I mean just you) can manage it. When he pushes you to do a particular thing that you're not ready, just tell him no, you're in charge and you'll do it at your speed. If you need feel you need safeword (and you absolutely do for safe, sane play), require him to use one, and discipline him for not using it. Using a safe word is not a cop-out.
6) BDSM is about lower barriers. Subs allow themselves to be vulnerable to their doms, so make clear that he needs to do that. He needs to not hold back his fantasies and desires, or his fears. As his mistress, you have both a right and a need to know what's in his head. So ask him regularly what he's thinking and feeling. This will help you know what's going in, and it will also help him learn to trust you and be submissive.
7) If edji hates feet, then just make him kneel and kiss your hand or your knee. The point is to create a ritual that acts as a metaphor for his inferior position. When a sub kneels or lies down and the domme stands over him, it dramatically drives home the power differential; it gets past the brain into the heart. So find some way to make him kneeling and you standing a part of your ritual. Another good one is him standing in a formal, military-style posture, and you sitting comfortably. But as he gets better at being submissive, think about making him kiss your feet. Many dommes intentionally employ things that their subs dislike specifically because it shows the sub that the domme is in charge and gets what she wants.
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
Smallest
Moderator
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
I might also point out that if feet turned you on (though you've implied it doesn't), it's not as though it's something that harms him, and you could have him do so, if he didn't set it as a limit- but that's just a small point, and applies to more than feet. I think Sebby has a story about a sub who at first had piss play as a hard limit, but eventually felt neglected when he wasn't used that way.
The bigger thing I was going to say is that you do need a safeword. Without one, con-non-con can become rape, subs can get hurt, and further, because the dom doesn't believe he should stop. It isn't a matter of giving the sub power over you, it's a matter of making sure he isn't abused, sexually or physically. If he safewords excessively (unnecessarily), changing the safeword to something humiliating may help.
The bigger thing I was going to say is that you do need a safeword. Without one, con-non-con can become rape, subs can get hurt, and further, because the dom doesn't believe he should stop. It isn't a matter of giving the sub power over you, it's a matter of making sure he isn't abused, sexually or physically. If he safewords excessively (unnecessarily), changing the safeword to something humiliating may help.
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
sebastian
Active Member
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Very true. I think in this case, EMS should emphasize that she needs Edji to safeword. He will be serving her by using the safeword.
I once gave a boy the safeword "I'm a pussyboy" as a way to humiliate him. That was great fun, because he hated saying it.
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
Knots
Member
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Exactly how I approach this.
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
There's a history there with the no-safeword thing, but it's muddled up so, yeah. The point of that was a we think we know each other that well....then we had our discussion of me telling her 'The Secret', i started this thread, and here we are.
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
Knots
Member
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Then perhaps you should unmuddle it.
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Knots, like my wife said before, our marriage went through things most marriages wouldn't survive. It's not been easy. The safeword thing was a response we both got carried away with, and that's where it lies. You know, when I say about our marriage went through things, my own family tried breaking up our marriage. It almost worked. We don't talk to them anymore and haven't for a significant period of time. That's one example, there are countless others. So as far as the safeword issue, it's not a source of frustration, and probably is better left in the past, as we move forward.
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
Smallest
Moderator
MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Just because one is set doesn't mean you will necessarily have to use it. Having it there means that when one of you is having an off day, you will still have a safety. I don't really understand what the details of your marriage have to do with your avoidance what is pretty much the most basic and important safe point of BDSM
Keep2share Premium PRO Account
Similar threads
