new to bdsm, looking for ideas.

Mdent · Jul 14, 2011

Hey all, well I'm new to bdsm aside from some gentle spanking and tying up.

Well first off, I am looking for some ideas for scenes to try out and dip my toe into the water so to speak.

I am a married man, I would like to try some bdsm with my wife.... my wife is inexperienced at bdsm as well, so i need to gently bring her into the role she would play.

My main thing is control, I really get off on the thought of controlling someone (hypnotism holds a particular interest but I am unable to do it), so essentially making my partner do things that I want to.

Another thing that gets me is giving orgasms; I could quite happily pleasure my wife all night.

If anyone has any ideas on how I could start moving into bdsm with my wife it would help. Or just mention things that have worked for them in the past.

thanks

seeker · Jul 14, 2011

every man on this forum probably has some ideas, and there is always the sticky notes which contain few beginners tricks. since your wife isn't a "born sub" i suggest you should do your research with your wife nearby so she'll see what you are planning. remember, bdsm is a game and a game is only fun if all the players are enjoying

good luck.

Smallest · Jul 15, 2011

Hey Mdent-

I cleaned up some of your spelling/grammar in hopes it would help you get more replies and be a bit more clear to some what you were asking, I hope you don't mind.

You'd do well by reading the FAQ if you haven't yet. A lot of users (particularly Sebastian) have put a lot of work into adding suggestions for new doms, safety protocol, ways to introduce BDSM, etc, so if you read through looking for things that would help you or help to show to your wife, that would be great.

Have you talked to your wife much about this yet? You need to make sure she's fairly informed of what's happening, even if you want to surprise her. By 'fairly informed', I mean she should know what to expect, and have some ground rules, but likewise, you don't have to tell her every detail of play. Just find out what she'd like, what her limits are, and run everything you want to try that's unusual by her first, and get a clear yes or no on whether it's a possibility for you to try with her. Like many, many people have said on this forum, communication is key to keeping it safe, and you need to make sure your wife will consent to this. Likewise, especially if you're getting into heavier bondage, humiliation, or pain play, make sure she has a safe word, to make sure you stop when she needs you to.

Telling her about how you'd love to pleasure her all night would probably help her get used to the idea. Perhaps something you could do to start, if you're not already doing this (you said you were into light bondage already), would be to restrain her while you pleasure her. You could tie her to the bed, and pin her hips when she tried to move them in response, and so on.

Seeing as you've said you've done light bondage and spanking, she seems to be at least somewhat receptive to the idea. Let her know that you'd like to explore the scene more, and have a discussion of what you'd like to try, what both of your limits are, and everything already mentioned.

Letting her see your research, like Seeker mentioned, is a good idea too, seeing as both she has an idea what to expect, and she knows you're doing some research into making sure it's proper/safe.

sebastian · Jul 15, 2011

You could also take an activity you'd done that she likes, such as spanking, and do it in a role play scene, and then work out the parameters of the scene. Maybe you're a 50s husband spanking his wife because she didn't get all the chores done. Or you're teacher/school girl, or whatever other combo turns you on. The activity will probably seem fresh and new because you're putting it in a new context. Or you could make a game of it. She gets one spank for each hidden object you find, or each time you beat her a cards, or so on. And you should put up a forfeit as well. If she wins the game you have to buy her a new dress, or do the dishes for a week, or whatever. These are simply ways to incorporate BDSM without pushing into the unchartered waters of new types of pain play or whatever. Or maybe just spend an evening where you have total control outside of sex. She has to cook the meal you want, serve it and remain standing while you eat, or she has to give you a backrub and fetch your slippers when you tell her to.

Mdent · Jul 15, 2011

Hey,
Sorry about my spelling and grammar righting isn’t my forte to make future posts easier to read ill use a word processor.

Well I have told her that I would like to delve deeper into bdsm with me being a Dom… I have explained to her the traffic light system that Sebastian suggested in the FAQ section. I have also explained soft and hard limits (even suggested a hard limit for her as I know some things she won’t do ever).

I think I’m just slowly going to incorporate it into our vanilla sex to start off with, so things like pinning her arms down when normally she would be using them, telling her to do something with a little force rather than asking her to do it. Maybe tell her to lie down still and quiet while I tease her with toys etc… until she moves then stop and remind her that she is to be still and quiet no matter how much she is enjoying it. Just carry this on for a bit maybe incorporating a little bondage etc… slowly building it up and pushing her boundaries of normal sex.

I’ve been in a hard where store today looking at rope for bondage (I like the look of kinbaku so elegant and practical) but hey lets not run before we can walk.

Thanks for the advice, if anyone has any more ideas they would help as again most of my experience has been vanilla. Any Doms want to share stories of times they have turned a vanilla person into a sub?

sebastian · Jul 15, 2011

A good way to ease into bondage is to buy some leather shackles. They're easy to use and have less risk than ropes.

Mdent · Jul 16, 2011

hmm cant afford them right now, but dressing gown ties might do the job.

Randomguy86 · Jul 16, 2011

sebastian said:
A good way to ease into bondage is to buy some leather shackles. They're easy to use and have less risk than ropes.

And look sexy as hell!

sebastian · Jul 16, 2011

You can get a pair of leather shackles for $30-40.

Smallest · Jul 16, 2011

It sounds like you're starting off well, Mdent. And if you can't get shackles, make sure you're always checking on ropes/ties tightening and whatnot.

new to bdsm, looking for ideas.

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