New nice-guy dom needs punishment/discipline advice

Demandred · May 23, 2012

Hi all,
I'm new and really like what I've seen here.
So here's the situation:
My fiancÃ© and I have been together for four years, I was vanilla when we met (she was not, into bdsm as far back as boyfriend #1, but nobody since him really being good at it)
She's very much a sub and I've discovered that I'll switch for other's pleasure but am a dom usually. Although what I get the most enjoyment from is facilitating other's pleasure.
Since then we've incorporated role-play, spanking, tie-up, flogging, exphixiation, and such into our sex lives. It has been great.
She has expressed an interest I taking the play out of he bedroom and into day to day life she wants me to control her more, order her to hte gym (cause she's lazy and wants motivation), she want to cook for me and such non- sex activities. She's started asking if things she does pleases me.
It seems like a lot of fun, and I love taking care of her in return.
So, I understand that there's two types of punishment/discipline: playful/sexy and training.
We are currently discussing hard and soft limits (we know each other very well, obviously). So, sexy scenarios where I get to tie her up, or punish her and such, easy enough to develope fun scenes.
But I'm lost on how to train her.
There are things like gym and cooking that require one level,
She loves to do what I've learned is called 'bratting' when she's being annoying on purpose
I would like some clarification and/or advice/ideas on what to do with/to her.
I'm getting tired on: she does/doesn't do something, I tell her to bend over and spank/flog her ass, then we move on.
It's repetitive.
Thoughts? Thanks.
-Dem

edjixxx · May 23, 2012

Could you clarify when you are talking about punishing/training her? In private, humiliation, or some other form might work, such as standing with her arms out holding objects such as books if she won't go to the gym, for instance. With public, you'd have to come up with something that wouldn't raise red flags to anyone. Such as the couple arrested in Washington or Oregon for acting out a fantasy of her being nude and kidnapped by her boyfriend. Bystanders called the cops which led to quite the embarassing moment for them.

Demandred · May 23, 2012

She even admits she needs training.
I would say that 95% of punishment will occur in private.
It's the training part i am unfamilure with. I'm looking for ideas on how to train her, since I've never done that before.
Like situation a, she's being annoying on purpose to get a rise out of me, blowing in my ear, that kind of thing. I want more variety than "your being annoying bend over" And flog her a few times. This is punishment that she likes nudist too painful (the hardness fits the crime), but want variety.
Also, I'd like advice On how to train her to do things, like go to the gym, or cook, these are things where the punishments a little less pleasant , if that makes since.
The standing with books is agood one, I'll try it.
Any other thoughts? Does that clarify the situation?

sebastian · May 23, 2012

One way to approach training is to decide what you want the d/s component of your relationship to look like. Do you want her to be a fantasy sex slave, or do you want a 50s housewife, or do you want a military-style follower? There are other options, but those should give you some idea of what direction you might take your training. For example if you want a 50s housewife, her training involves moving her toward being June Cleaver--she has your meal ready when you get home, she dresses semi-formally, does all the chores, etc. If you want a military-style sub, she stands at attention when you enter the room and remains at attention until you tell her to stand at ease, she says "Sir, yes, Sir". If you want a fantasy sex slave, she dresses in very skimpy or no clothing at home, kneels and kisses your feet when you come home, etc.

The goal of your training is to shape her to be able to perform her role for you. So if you want a sex slave, her training may involve kneeling and various other postures. If she's June Cleaver, she needs to learn to be a good cook for you.

BTW, you mention that you have done asphyxiation play with her. Please be advised that breath play is incredibly dangerous. It's the number one way that subs die in BDSM (roughy 1000 a year), and there is no safe way to do it. There's a post in the Newcomer's FAQ about the risks of breath play.

Demandred · May 23, 2012

Thanks Sebastian for the advice.
First, the asphyxiation is only light pressure so she struggles a little, no more. No complete cut off of air, so maybe asphyxiation was the wrong word. It's at her request so I am very gentle.
As far as the rest goes, I think we'llend up somewhere between the military and June cleaver, not all the chores, just a select few.
So, let's say iam giving her instructions and she is being insolent, what can/should I do with her.
This is mostly for her, I am very willing participant, but it's hard to create an image of what I wantwhenidontreally know;p
I was thinking a riding crop would be more precise than my flogger but not sure what else.
I'm looking less for the behaviors I want anymore how to train them into her.
I was thinking a comman to kneel at my feet for example. What is a good motivation technique?

edjixxx · May 23, 2012

I think I see where you're going,for her to be obedient to your orders, which are to get her to do what she wants to do, ultimately. Training, to me, involves teaching, as much as, if not more so than punishment. Focusing on ideas there's a lot you can do. I will stress being careful of limits and damage to your relationship, though. Try a leash, leading her around to what she needs to do. Annoying you, a gag of some sort, or wearing her panties in her mouth. There's harnesses that could help in training also. In public, chastity harness or butt plug harness. A collar could be used too, depending. You'll have to discuss it with her,she what she's comfortable with. Make sure the punishment fits the offense though.

Demandred · May 23, 2012

Thanks.
I love the panties in her mouth thing.
That's exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.
I thought of a great way to explain: she wants tobe dominated and please me, but she is insolent as f--k. She wants me to train the insolence out of her. I'm just not sure how to do that.

edjixxx · May 23, 2012

When you she's insolent, do you mean that's her natural personality or when playing? I ask that because you could accidentally cross a line where dominance becomes a controlling, and domestic problem. So you'll have to be extremely clear on limits. You may try face slapping, or humiliation. Orgasm denial, cleaning the floors on her hands and knees, nude, for example, for her insolence, while you watch for your pleasure. You'll have to show your hand, you're the one in charge, not her. She does what you want, and obediently with no hesitation. Consequences to this might be better to get her input, as to what she's up for, willing to do, would like, not like. Write them down so she knows her expectations, and results for each. Maybe offer rewards for her obedience. Again, her input is crucial for that part, and something probably better worked out between you and her.

Kor · May 23, 2012

Demandred said:
So, I understand that there's two types of punishment/discipline: playful/sexy and training.

I like to make a sharp distinction between "pain play" and punishment.

We do a lot of things in BDSM/TPE that *look* like punishment, and sometimes the enjoyment is definitely one-sided, but actual punishment is a separate thing.

If my sub needs to be punished, I tell her why, have her bring the punishment switch, she gets switched, she tells me she has been corrected, and it's over. The punishment switch is her personal property; her task is to keep it somewhere and bring it to me when told to. It is not used for anything else. Anything involving the punishment switch is punishment. Anything else is not punishment.

Some doms like their subs to be nervous or stressed, and dole out disciplines or punishments to keep them on their toes. It works for them. Heck, it worked for me. But in my current situation I've gone for consistency; if red is operating within the bounds I've previously set, she's in the clear, no matter if it wasn't what I wanted or made me angry. If she crosses one of the bounds she gets the switch. Well, honestly, it has been a very long time since that has happened. She seems happy, I'm happy.

sebastian · May 23, 2012

It sounds like you have a bratty sub. Bratty subs like to be insubordinate occasionally, either because they like to get disciplined or because it's their non-sub side coming out. I would talk to her about why she does it and what it means for her and for you. There are a lot of issues here. Does her insolence make you feel less dominant, less able to control her? Then you need to tell her that, because it's undermining what you both want. Does she do it in order to get fun discipline? Then you might let her stay bratty because it gives you an excuse to spank her or torture her tits or whatever. Does she want to stop being insolent and learn to be an excellent slave? Then don't let her get away with brattiness; punish it with things she doesn't like, the way the military would, such as extra chores or less play time.

New nice-guy dom needs punishment/discipline advice

Demandred

New Member

edjixxx

Member

Demandred

New Member

sebastian

Active Member

Demandred

New Member

edjixxx

Member

Demandred

New Member

edjixxx

Member

Kor

Member

sebastian

Active Member

Similar threads