My situation...

[hopefulsub]

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I know you guys have probably discussed something like this before, but my situation is a little different.

I had a master, it ended. I'm now engaged to a different guy. I love him very much as I should The problem is he isn't in to BDSM, and in general our sex life isn't that great. We're 20 and I figured we'd be fucking like rabbits. He has anxiety a lot of the time which is hard to work through, and when we try to do a little bdsm it can get him distracted enough to crash the moment. He has a really hard time staying hard (no pun intended) and I don't know what to do. He gets so anxious about it I can sit on top of him naked and it won't do anything then he ends up getting upset (crying, the whole deal). I don't attack him for it. He's had this problem for a year and a half now, since we started. I just crave being a sub and I find myself trying to encourage him and get him to a point where he can at least have sex. Finishing is difficult for him too. I just end up being the director in it all and my mind wanders back to when I was a real sub. Other things to note: He knows about my desire to be a sub, and he doesn't have the ability to see a therapist or get meds for ED.

 

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[sillylittlepet]

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First of all, where's the pun in hard lol? It seems pretty literal to me =P

second of all, your problem isnt really a BDSM related one but a performance anxiety one.

My advice would be to completely take the pressure away from having sex and getting hard. Ask him to pleasure you orally or with his fingers. Be gentle, tell him what you like and ease him away from what you don't. Encourage him and be supportive. Spend a few nights without trying to have any sex at all. Instead, do something sensual like take a relaxing bath together, a sensual massage, cuddling and kissing, things where the point is just to enjoy yourself and not have the end goal be sexual intercourse or an erection

Basically what I'm saying is, dont make a big deal out of his performance. Let him know that you love being with him regardless of what you do in bed. Give him the space and time to get hard and excited on his own without having to worry about anything else.

Remember that communication is your best friend. Talk to him about what he likes, what he would like to try. Just stay open and honest with the talking.

Also, what is ED and what does it have to do with being a sub? How are they at all related?

EDIT: oh wait is it erectile dysfunction? lol I still don't see how that's related to your sub-ness
also he doesn't necessarily need meds or a therapist, a lot of it is psychological

 

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[master jey]

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You can do BDSM without sex as simple as that,as slp said let him relax a bit don't push him

If he doesn't have this problem all the time he doesn't need a doctor but if it's really erectile dysfunction then you must find urologist


The post was formed really bad had to read it 3 times to understand what the problem was

 

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[WrathofThor]

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I can relate to this completely and I understand the feelings he's having. I had inflammation in my brain and spine that made me unable to have sex for 3 months. The first night I got an erection was a hopeful sign, and the first time ejaculating felt like a miracle. However, the anxiety of not being up to the level of sexual performance (I was a fucking tiger, insationable 7 hour straight passionate nights) is still with me. Let me tell you now that my girlfriend has been a saint and never put any pressure on me, as I'm sure you are for him - but still, it's not enough. The root of the problem is in how he, as a man, feels about himself and that pressure is something I believe can be diverted but never fully escaped. I still look in disgust at the insensitive assholes who, despite their complete lack of sexual creativity or attentiveness, have more fuel in the tank than me. You'll have to be patient with him, and playing up your submissiveness is something that will do wonders for his self-esteem, Personally, BDSM for me is an amazing way to balance out this change and feel confident in my sex life and it may become that for him if he is so inclined. Maybe try forms of play that place a smaller emphasis on the d/s but still leave you at his mercy to get the ball rolling.

On a medical note, as a TCM student, I can only recommend that he find a qualified acupuncturist/chinese herbalist to treat his problem. The holistic approach takes the entire being into perspective, and most ED problems are rooted in anxiety that, in turn, is rooted in ED. Acupuncture treats the root cause, which is a physical and emotional imbalance in the body, and has done AMAZING things for me. Making sure he exercises regularly and eats healthy is important too, but most young people with ED have it because of personal stagnation. Stick some needles in and get the energy flowing! If that doesn't work, it's a congenital weakness that will require Western drugs to stimulate the penis, but this is very unlikely.

For fun, try an over the counter product called VM-25 or V25. Any of the natural, herbal sex enhancers. Or buy some Yohimbe, an herb that physically promotes blood flow to the genitals in particular. Sometimes one night a little extra help can boost his confidence. Just remember that the same energy that gets him up is the one that makes him feel secure, confident, and free.

Best wishes to both of you. I know it's hard, but I'm sure your love for him is doing more than he can express to you in words.

 

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[hopefulsub]

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Anything extra, i.e. bdsm, puts him into the anxiety mood where he starts worrying about performing. That's why the bdsm part is involved. He's told me it stresses him out, and has even said sex in general is stressful. I thought being a sub would take away the anxiety, he'd have a toy and wouldn't have to feel responsible for doing anything but what he wanted. Sometimes I feel like he feels the need to fuck or else (he thinks) I feel let down. I just want him happy sexually.

The reason I thought it might be ED is because he said he feels fine at times, no anxiety, and he loses his erection. He doesn't know why and I sure don't.

 

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[sillylittlepet]

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You ought to talk to him about your sexual needs then

let him know that you'd be perfectly happy even if there was no intercourse

What does it mean when he "feels fine"? Do you mean he isnt stressed or he's feeling horny? You also need to talk about what happens when he loses his erection. What are the thoughts in his mind? What is he thinking about when he is hard?

Sometimes my master loses his erection when he loses focus of what we're doing. Is he the same way?

like I said, I would involve yourself with some totally non-sex related acts to take some tension away. Purely sensual acts (which I can assure you are very fun)

a check-up (there must be a way to see if he really has ED) probably wont kill him financially

 

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[hopefulsub]

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There are times where he is legitimately anxious and times where he, in his words, honestly felt fine and wasn't anxious and was ready to go then *poof*. Sometimes it's beforehand, or sometimes during.

I tell him all the time that I don't need sex, and I love doing anything. He just gets really upset over it and when we try to take a break from it (which we've done a bunch of times) he ends up wanting it and we go for it.

And I know there are sooooooooo many things we can do without sex. I just don't want him to feel like I've "given up" or think he can't do it. That's not the case at all.

 

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[master jey]

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Sex is smallest part of bdsm
tell him to drink viagra once if that fixes the problem then his problem is nothing good doctor can't fix
If not than it's all stress and he needs to forget bout all the problems for a while relax and just order you around for a while perfect chance to show yourself as a sub
Ordering around my sub always helps me

 

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[hopefulsub]

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I know bdsm is more than that. He's just really turned off to being dominant unless sex is involved.

 

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[sillylittlepet]

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Honestly, I dont think there's anything we can tell you thats going to solve your problem

you're either going to have to:
a. suck it up and deal with the fact that your sex life is bad
b. ask him to see a doctor
c. try various herbs and medicines
d. hope that he gets over this problem on his own terms

what else can we say here?

 

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