Girlfriend wants me to be dominant but it's complicated

Heavymetalfan · Jul 27, 2014

Okay so she wants me to be dominating her and i asked her what she would like and she said she wants to be held down, forced, hair pulled etc so nothing serious or exotic. Well i did do this for awhile but she confessed she wanted it to be more intense.

So next time i handcuff her, slap her more (sh likes being lightly slapped on the check) and i am more overall intense. She then breaks down crying. I asked her if i went too far and she explains that her previous boyfriend who she was actually engaged to used to physically abuse her.

We stopped bit later on we talked about it she assures me i didn't do anything wrong she liked everything i did, but i don't want it to be that every time i do this it brings back old memories. And she said that being dominated is how she's always been stimulated.

Any advice?

sebastian · Jul 27, 2014

It's not uncommon for submissive men and women to have some experience of abuse in their past. For some subs, BDSM is a way to process and control their previous experiences. So hypothetically, your gf might find being held down and slapped a way to 'rewrite' her past abuse; in other words, she gets to replay it with a man who actually cares about her and won't do anything she doesn't actually want, so this becomes the way it 'should have' happened. I'm not saying that's what's going on, but it could be.

You handled it well. You tried to be rough, and when she started crying, you backed off and made sure she was ok. Clearly, you are making her well-being and pleasure a priority, which speaks well of you as a potential dom.

One thing to do is set a safe word, a word that won't come up during play accidentally. A lot of people like to use the stoplight colors: green means "I'm ok, keep going", yellow means "slow down, I'm approaching a limit", and red means "stop, I need a break from what we're doing" (or "I'm unhappy about something"). That way, if your gf starts feeling overwhelmed, she can say red and you'll know that she needs you to stop. If she doesn't say red, you know she's doing ok, even if she's crying or saying 'stop' (since a lot of subs like to say stop and be ignored). If you'r unsure where she is, you can ask for a color check for reassurance that she's enjoying herself.

It's important to realize that for some subs, tears are part of the pleasure of the scene. Not all crying means the sub is truly distressed. My slave loves it when I get him to the point of crying. So the fact that she's crying doesn't necessarily mean that you're doing anything wrong; it may simply mean that whatever you're doing to her feels genuine and is pushing a button that she wants pushed. That can definitely be confusing for doms. Occasionally I've really pushed my slave and said horrible things to him, and then he's needed to help me work through the guilty feelings afterward ("why did I say that to you?").

Move at your own pace. If you are getting uncomfortable with being too rough, find a middle group where you feel ok but you're giving her some of what she's asked for. Just play at that level for a while until you feel ready to get a little rougher or to introduce a new form of play, and then talk to her about what you think you want to do next. And ask her what she wants to try next.

Have you read the Newcomer's FAQ? There's a lot in it that might help you if you haven't.

Heavymetalfan · Jul 28, 2014

Thanks for the post yeah i have read the threads. We know about safe words too. I just know her that when she began crying and saying she couldn't go on i felt that she wasn't playing anymore. I understand about the crying thing and saying no when you mean yes. We take turns being the sub/Dom and i really enjoy it when she hurts me by slapping me or even pulling on my hair and just different things. Just out of curiosity what all do you do to your sub?

(I'm not used to being the Dom but i
She says i am a great actor and when i do dominate her she really feels totally owned by me. Good acting really seals the deal imo)

sebastian · Jul 28, 2014

I beat my sub fairly aggressively (crop, cane, flogger mostly) and when I fuck him, I'm very aggressive (biting, hair-pulling, verbal abuse). He doesn't like saying safe words (it makes him feel like he's failing me), so sometimes I ask him for a color check when I'm unsure how he's doing. I've mostly learned to tell the difference between begging because it's good and the occasional begging because it's bad with him, but sometimes I'm not sure, and then I generally stop fucking and just hold him.

It's a tricky thing, because sometimes those moments when the sub is emotionally overwhelmed can be points of breakthrough. I used him very hard last night, and when I stopped, he was literally shaking (which isn't necessarily a sign that he's in trouble, but it's a sign that I pushed him hard). After he came back to himself and recovered, he admitted to me that he's been holding back from his 'bliss' because of trust issues. We spent the next two hours talking about why he was holding back and one of the sticking spots in our relationship (he's very scared of threesomes and non-monogamy, and he knows it's something I want).

stanley_jeffries · Jul 29, 2014

The only suggestion I can add to what Sebastian is saying is to maybe create a scene that is different from the "rough sex" scenario that might remind her of her ex.

Let me give you a simple example just to illustrate what I'm saying.

She likes being slapped on the cheek, OK. But doing that will remind her of her ex, so why not stare her in the eyes, and gradually stroke her cheek gently. Maintain eye contact, and (if you feel comfortable with verbal play) you can taunt her. Make it obvious that you're threatening to slap her, but you don't do it.
Just as she thinks nothing bad is going to happen, and while you're still maintaining eye contact you reach out with your other hand and grab one of her nipples. Don't stop stroking her cheek - because she probably likes the threat of slapping almost as much as actually being slapped. Twist her nipple and increase the pressure slowly as you keep talking to her.

This is really just to introduce a source of erotic pain that's different from what her ex used to do. And by maintaining eye contact you can hopefully introduce the kind of intimacy that's so important in a loving D/s relationship, but is absent from an abusive relationship.

Another general point is try to do different things. By changing the kind of play you have it will make it less likely she'll associate any individual memory with her ex.

I hope that helps.

Cheers,
Stanley

Heavymetalfan · Jul 29, 2014

Thanks for the good tips i do appreciate it. We are relatively new at this so i don't think either of us will be doing any beating right now lol though we both get really aroused when the other rakes down the back and sides

sebastian · Jul 29, 2014

Move at whatever pace you and she feel comfortable with. There's no right way to do BDSM, and there's no reason that face-slapping, hair-pulling and rough sex has to move on to hardcore flogging, unless you two decide you want it to. Kink is a very large amusement park; try whatever rides look fun and skip the ones that look too wild or weird for you.

V.W. Singer · Jul 30, 2014

You can also try not using the handcuffs or any other restraint. Place her in a position and tell her not to move. See if she responds to the control element.

Instead of impact play (slapping), try lying next to her, cuddling, kissing etc, and at the same time carefully pinching her body.

Heavymetalfan · Jul 31, 2014

I will give those a try Thanks for helping!!

xhunterx · Aug 5, 2014

your girlfriend is f*cking awesome . .

Girlfriend wants me to be dominant but it's complicated

Heavymetalfan

New Member

sebastian

Active Member

Heavymetalfan

New Member

sebastian

Active Member

stanley_jeffries

Member

Heavymetalfan

New Member

sebastian

Active Member

V.W. Singer

New Member

Heavymetalfan

New Member

xhunterx

Active Member

Similar threads