BDSM Help. How do I experiment with a novice subs threshold?

Coulrophilia · Jan 25, 2011

Hey, I'm Oli.
First time poster, 6 year BDSM fan!

I've got a little dillema, which has brought me to this forum, and to you wise people.

I'm currently in a 7 months relationship with a Girl who was Vanillia before me, but we've been experimenting, but I'm wanting to take it up a peg or 12.

I'm used to being with a girl who has experience and knows what she wants BDSM wise, I've always gotten straight into the sweet hard stuff. And because of this I'm finding it difficult to kick start things, Not used to having to show the a girl the ropes, figuratively and litterally.

Don't get me wrong, I've taken her through the first steps, the amatuer stuff, ropes, candles, slight knife play, but it's not enough for me. She's told me she likes being told what to do and being over-powered, So here's my question, How does one take BDSM and power play a step up? What games, role plays and procedures can I go about to experiment with her threshold?

Many thanks in advanced.

Oli

sebastian · Jan 25, 2011

One way to calibrate her pain threshold is to spank her. Spank very lightly and tell her that's a 1. Ask her to tell you when she's ready for more. Then increase it a little bit and tell her it's a 2. Keep repeating that process until she stops letting you go higher. Allow her to set the pace and intensity, and slowly see how far she is willing to go. That should give you a sense of how rough she can handle.

Areus · Jan 25, 2011

One of the main keys is figuring out where her limits are to begin with. Explain the concepts of hard and soft limits (hard being things she is not at all ready to explore and might never be; soft being things she doesn't really like or do voluntarily but is willing to be pushed into under the right circumstances) and let her explain where they lie. If she doesn't talk about something you like, mention it to her as something to think about (not as something you want, because that puts unnecessary pressure on her to say yes when she might not be ready, which might turn her off to it forever) and see how she responds.

Once you've felt her limits out, start exploring the edges of the softer ones. The key is to be patient but firm. Don't allow her to set the pace too much, but don't expect her to turn into a perfect sub in the next month (or even year). Reward her with praise when she willingly goes beyond limits or after she submits to something particularly difficult so that she associates your approval with her submission.

Also be careful of how much pain you inflict, and in what way. Keep in mind taht pain tolerances differ HUGELY between people, and things you might think of as relatively gentle can have serious impacts on some people. Some people also have serious aversions to certain kinds of toys - electricity especially seems to impact different people different ways. As the person above me mentions, if you don't feel very very confident in your ability to figure it out on your own, communication is a good substitute for insight.

Coulrophilia · Jan 25, 2011

Thank you, some great ideas there shall definitely keep them in mind next time we play!

L8NightQ · Jan 26, 2011

Very good advice Areus.

Coulrophilia - I've posted some other things on the subject of Workshops, Work Sessions, or something like that. I've listed three of them here. They all deal with establishing likes, dislikes, thresholds, etc...
It follows what Areus and Seb have said but goes a little deeper into the process and principles.

You'll find it in these posts:
http://www.smplace.com/forum/240718-my-gf-and-whipping.html
http://www.smplace.com/forum/16430-another-noob.html
http://www.smplace.com/forum/155151-i-seriously-need-some-help.html

Your focus here is completely on her, and on what points or plains your interests meet. Given the relationship you're in, if you make it about you, it won't work and she won't be able to grow the same way.

On finding out what her limits are, I have a prespective to share with you..... the law of progressive excess.
Simply put, her limits are at one point when you first try her, but as she grows and you guys find out what she really likes, this will change.

We all have that thing that really gets us off, but over time and enough repeat business, it doesn't have the same effect. We have to kick it up a notch.

As she trusts you more, and learns about what she really enjoys, her limits, likes, and lists will change.
Use the workshop periodically to verify what you guys are working with.
Maybe you can tie her up and put a clown face and wig on her. Then video her face as you spank her and make her come over and over again. (Just a random thought).

...Hmmmm I think you just added something to my book.

As for games and roleplay - Sebastian made some suggestions in yet another post that might help (look for interrogation)

http://www.smplace.com/forum/12506-could-you-guys-help-me-with-ideas.html

The whole thread might be of help to you.

Above all else, keep her safe. Always understand the difference between hurt and harm.

Hope this helps. If not, lets talk some more.

BDSM Help. How do I experiment with a novice subs threshold?

Coulrophilia

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sebastian

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Areus

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Coulrophilia

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L8NightQ

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