MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Scrow -
Welcome to the forum.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest something. Please consider it.
I don't think your problem is as bad as you think. Don't get me wrong. It's bad, but in a different way.
1. Your husband has an addiction to PORN..... he, and your marriage, as you describe them show all the classic symptoms.
2. His interest in extreme pain-play, and strict bondage, and gag sex does not necessarily reflect what his preferences are, or your relationship could eventually become. Here's why:
I've been into BDSM for well over 30 years. Anything I could get my hands on.... Anything that displayed, or simulated power exchange, bound women, tied up, forced orgasms, humiliation..... I was into.
The whole gagging blowjobs and vomit sex stuff..... Loved it.
Strict bondage and suspension, even if they weren't having sex... Fine. I just loved watching them struggle. The sex part was my imagination that I could fuck them anytime. Just watching them, exposed, embarrassed, humiliated, with nothing they could do but try to escape, was turn on enough for me.
When Inxex came to the internet I was on it. Sexual torture, pretty horrible stuff. I was there. BrutalMasters (worst I've seen) I was on it. The whole simulated rape video thing turned me on too. All of it..... All of it...... All of it.
But that's not the Dominant that I am. What came out of me as I actually started to practice bondage was very different than what I watched. I am a loving Dominant. I feed off of the excitement, and the sexual feelings of my sub. I spent as much time studying her and what she liked as she spent learning what I like and expect. I have never done anything to her that caused her to feel worse about herself, or our relationship. Our power exchange is safe, sane (most of the time) and consensual. It's hard to describe how it feels to have sex like that.... tying her up, making her feel helpless, using pain to enforce her feeling of loss of control.... The sex is much better than great, and I have taken her to, and over the edge, sexually..... often.
I have not harmed her. I have not tortured her. I have not tied, or suspended her in painful positions. I have not stuck needles in her, or whipped her till she is bloody, or burned her, or made her gag to the point of vomit sex. I don't need to, because she is real..... The sex is real, not in my mind.
All those videos "were" stimulating, but now that I do it for real, I don't watch the extreme ones any more, to the point where I actually deleted them (which some of you know, is almost impossible to do). I did keep the ones that reflected what I really like to do, but the extreme stuff is not me anymore..... This could be the same with your husband.
I am a good friend of a woman who had a lot of fantasies about being tied up, dominated, etc.... We talked about it often, and the more I would talk, the more intrigued she became. It was just talk, till we went out bar hopping one night and we wound up in the car with her giving me one of the best blow-job's I've had in my life. Afterwards she said she had been having a fantasy about me forcing her to do it just the way she did.
The next time we had the opportunity we got intimate, with me holding her down doing the pirate/princess ravage thing with her. She said she wanted to move forward, but I had no equipment with me. Everything was fine till I took the next step. I ordered her to stand up, and turn away from me. I used my belt to secure her arms behind her back, strapping it just above the elbows. Then I ordered her on her knees for what I thought was going to be a repeat performance...... It wasn't.
She started to cry, and asked me to take the belt off. It was to scary for her and it seemed to bring up something in her past that took her to a different place. I responded immediately. That's the thing with (most of) us. If my sub is not turned on by what I do, I can't enjoy it either. It doesn't work. And even if it did work for me, she might never want to come back.
We did have sex that night, but it was vanilla. In talking about it that night and the next day, it turned out that the reality of being bound that way took her into that place she fantasized about, but way to fast. It took a long time to reset and move on.... more gradually.
I telling you this story because of the way you described your first bondage night and how it made you feel. Sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you plan.
What you see in all those videos is just stimulation, and stimulation holds to the law of progressive excesses.
The law of progressive excesses (in the simplest of summaries) dictates that whatever stimulates our brain, will continue to do so.... for a while. After a while we want the same thing, but with a little twist to make it more intense. And the cycle continues So we start with some rather benign image of a womane, tied to a chair, breasts shaking while she struggles, and move on, and move on, and on.... to keep the stimulation going. This happens much more with porn than in real life but is true with most everything from spicy food to vanilla sex and beyond.
So while he may have all those videos, once he physically emerges, the videos may not reflect what he becomes.
Even though he went to far when he put you in the ankle/wrist binder, he may not have had enough real-life experience to know how to share that side of himself with you. It's kinda like dancing. Almost never goes the way you think the first time.
The porn addiction is a different issue and this one has gone on for a long time with you guys, adding layers of frustration, suspicion, and long term lack of intimacy to the problem. Now porn is his only sexual comfort zone ( "it has gotten worse over the years" ).
This is your biggest problem.... And it's gonna take a lot of work to re-build, if you guys have enough left to try. Porn addictions have grown exponentially since everyone got access to limitless free porn without having to go anywhere for it, and it's a huge problem. You may very well need some counseling to get thru it, but the BDSM part is separate.
I was married for 13 years to a vanilla wife, and while we tried to incorporate bondage into our sex life, it never really got that far. The marriage still worked, and when it ended, it had nothing to do with the fact that we were not matched that closely from that perspective. I found other ways to have power over her sexually that didn't involve rope and it worked fine for me. It wasn't till afterwards that my active Dominant persona came out all the way.
I'm gonna stop now, but pm me if you want to carry this further..... And I hope I didn't spend all this time writing this, just to be completely wrong.
Anyway - you did ask.
Hope this helps.
P.S. Two books you might really like to have if you want to stay where you are.
Easton and Liszt "When Someone You Love is Kinky"
William and Gloria Brame "Different Loving"
Please review them on Amazon, I think you should own both.
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