Hello hotgirl,
Well...good for you! =)
You always have a choice to look at things from the bright side or just seeing all the problems ahead of oneself. You are actually quite lucky here.
For example, you are not boiling with sexual frustration in a relationship with a man who does not have any interest whatsoever in sex the way you like it.
That's a good thing, and even though this is something hard for you to do...try to focus on that througout the whole journey you are about to go with him.
Your boyfriend's view on "having the pants on in a relationship" etc. is a very common one and has nothing to do with BDSM, as you probably already have figured out.
Most guys (vanilla or not) today look at themselves as doms, but as I pointed out earlier people who are not into it often confuse things and don't know the difference between rough sex, abuse, bdsm and violence.
And let me tell you a secret about what guys want =)
Most guys would like their girlfriend to be a filthy sperm-hungry slut who they get to fuck every way they want whenever they want.
He would absolutely love if you woke him up and whispered in his ear that you want to eat his load for breakfast or that you all of a sudden told him to drag you into the bedroom and fuck your brains out.
The point I'm trying to make is that this is just how most guys feel, where they put themselves and their sexual persona; the male who takes what they want when they want it. Even most vanilla type guys have this dark fantasy about a woman who absolutely worships their cock and can't get enough of it. Take my word for it.
The porn industry has a lot to do with this, as it also teaches both men and women what's expected from them. What "women" want, and what "men" want.
We both adapt to this whether we want it or not, just as we do with fashion magazines or make-over-programs. We are mammals, and learn to adopt to survive.
This is probably the reason why your boyfriend likes to spank you, why you do mild bondage and has rough sex.
BUT....this has nothing to do with BDSM. =)
The first thing you need to ask yourself about is this. Why does this turn you on?
Do you enjoy pain?
Do you like the excitement of being abused?
Do you get horny by getting humiliated and feeling like a worthless whore?
Do you want to feel taken care of, not having to make you own decisions?
Do you find any role in particular exciting? Naughty schoolgirl? Cocky brat? Fuckpig? Spermbucket? Painslut? Innocent girl next door?
Try to search within yourself (here's where you should be totally selfish), go to the darkest corners of your mind and try to pinpoint what each of these things makes you feel. This part is about what YOU want, what YOU need, what turns YOU on...
Maybe you don't know so much yet about what you want, and that's okay. Just focus on what excites you and what your darkest fantasies are.
Te reason for this? To know thy enemy. BDSM is mostly about getting to know yourself, and to free your mind, to push yourself to places you've never been before.
It's important that you understand this part of your kinky side.
The fact that your boyfriend spanks you, does not make it BDSM. The fact that you get tied up does not make it BDSM.
What makes it BDSM, and what's far more important is WHY you do it.
It's not interesting whether you are using clamps, hairbrushes, icecubes, tens, dildos, strapons, gags, paddles, whips, canes, cuffs or anything else and what don't want to do here is just "getting your boyfriend to buy these things and start of hitting you.
You need to go to the center of this, build it up together with him why you want to be a sub, why you wish to serve him and have him as your master.
When it's clear to you, and when you can communicate this to him you can start to explore it.
But you really must focus on WHY you want this, rather than what you want him to do with you.
And how do we do this?
I'll give you some guidelines when it comes to introducing BDSM in a relationship and some ideas.
* Watch some movies together.
There are a large number of movies to rent from any well-sorted video store. Some of my favourites are: Story of O, Secretary and 9 1/2 weeks.
* Start easily with asking him what he would like you to do if he could choose.
Most guys gets excited by this idea and it could start off for example with you text-messaging him during the day.
For example:
"I want to please you tonight, what would you like me to wear for you?"
"Can I please suck your dick as soon as you get home, darling?"
For many guys, even if they have a dominant side it can still be embarrassing for them to openly ask for something, afraid that they will offend you because they don't REALLY know if that kind of talk is okay even if this is something they want to do. To make him more confident in such situations, the fastest way to dealing with this is making it clear to him that you ENJOY when he does it, and to be clear about it. While having sex, tell him how much you like it as soon as he shows any dominant side of his. When he spanks you, let him know how much you enjoy it.
This is not manipulating in any way. It's just a way to help him discover and to be more confident about his dominant side, making emotional memories that you really find him sexy when he tells you what to do, when he spanks you, when you serve him. You want to lure these feelings out of him so that he slowly begins to understand that the more he tells you what do do, the more he puts you in place, the more he "owns" you, the hornier, the happier, the more intense you get.
One thing that really destroys the male ego is the feeling of not knowing/being incapable. This is why we don't ask for directions, for example
When you say that he is not that good at tying you up, trust me...this is something he knows he's not good at. This could also be one reason to if he does not want to do it very much, since he then shows weakness in not knowing how to tie you up.
Watch some shibari-pictures, there are very easy knots to learn how to do on twoknottyboys.com. You can also learn some even easier from watching sexandsubmission-videos. You could look at them together and tell him that you would like him to tie you in one particular knot tonight.
Keep it simple, but most of all FUN. Have a laugh about it, make a game out of it that you both want to explore in a curious and FUN way.
In this state i believe you need to both, as I've described, explain to him very cleary both with your words and actions what you need (tippy toes more and more every day), but also to be there as a support for him.
Be aware of this, because even though you want him to train you as his slave/sub, you are the one ahead here. YOU know what you want, he may not yet. Therefore...don't lay all this on him.
The worst thing you could do here is to just explain what you want him to do, what turns you on and then lay all responsibility on him owning you.
Dominance is an art to master, just as submission. Remember that he will need your support in this, and to feel safe with you in order to communicate his inner and darkest fantasies.
Eventually you will be able to go deeper into this exploration, but look at this as if you are training him as a dominant. He will need support, compliments, love, understanding and to enjoy it. Have patience and go one step at a time.
I'm running out of words here, and have really just written stuff from the top of my head. I hope that you find it useful in some way, and please ask me to clearify something if you want to. Let me know how it goes!
Cheers and the best of luck,
IceEyes