VanillaSpouse
New Member
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I'm married for about 18 months, and together with my husband for about 9 years now. My introduction will be a little wordy, but please bear with me, I'm keen to do this right. I need some help getting into the right frame of mind to support my husband.
Shortly before our wedding, my husband finally told me that he was really into tying up, the selfbound stuff, and used to have a stash of toys and things hidden around the apartment for when I was out of town (but got rid of most of them when the fear I would find them got too much). I knew that he was interested in bondage porn but I thought - it's just porn = just pictures, right? Like looking at other girls in porn movies doesn't mean you're actually having sex with them!
Anyway, this made me quite uncomfortable. Not the props and so on, but the fact that someone you're about to make such a huge commitment to has this whole other life, this totally secret side of their character... it was harder to deal with because "if he's hidden this from me for 6 years, what else is he hiding now?!" There were a couple of other things (not BDSM related, but sex-related) I'd learned at earlier stages that he'd hidden from me before, so getting over the lack of trust is a painful hurdle, even though I can understand why he'd be loath to tell me. We did experiment with it once or twice but I'm not really turned on by submissive men although I did my best with the knots and stuff - I don't know any of the ties!, and to be honest I was kinda grateful when it slid out of sight again. Selfish, I know :-(
Anyway, there's more to it. I've been working away, on and off, for most of the last 6 months, so now that I'm back.. we had a heart to heart about a week or so and a fair bit more detail came out. This is all new stuff he's been trying, elaborations on the fantasies, more props, etc. I've been reading around a bit this week, trying to find as much information as I can to support him, but I don't know where to start. Where is a good place? I mean, all the BDSM links on getting started are for people who enjoy it, maybe who have been liking restraints or the idea of restraint since they were kids. There's not much for the poor ol' vanilla girl gritting her teeth and trying to find a starting point!!
The other thing is, it seems like there is such a strong BDSM community, websites, forums, specialist shops, fetish fairs and all that he visits regularly (it would have been nice if he'd asked me to go with him to the London Fetish Fair, as I was here at the time... I had actually intended to ask him about it when I got the flyer, knowing his interests, but I forgot!)
I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I feel really left behind. I don't know where to start. It doesn't really turn me on at all - well, maybe only when I'm the sub but then I have a low pain threshold and get bored fast! Being the dom does nothing for me, but it is massively important to my husband and after all it's taken for him to share this with me, I don't want to be as threatened by it as I am. My husband would love nothing more than to go to torture garden parties, go to a couple of fetish nights together as my slave etc, and I want to enjoy it together - it just seems like this is something that's gonna gather steam and as it's obvious it's not for me, I'm threatened by it because the more I encourage him getting into the scene, the more chance there is he'll leave me in the dust for something more adventurous that's more sexually compatible!! Confidence is sexy and I really don't have much confidence in myself as a dom! His favourite saying is "life's too short and I want to experience as much as possible", and I know, it's greedy and selfish of me but I don't want to share him with a ball gag - cos after that it's the ring gag, after that it's the hood and after that it's the suspension hooks in the living room ceiling...!
It just seems like something that gathers speed as it goes on.. I don't know. I suppose on one hand I'm wondering, how do I get him to slow down, remember that this is a bit fast for me - he may have been doing this for years and fantasising about it for longer, but I'm feeling a little bit overloaded here! On the other hand, I don't want to slap him down again after it has taken so long to get to this point. But going from a confession one week, to mentioning involving other people the next, is a bit much for me. How do I do this? How can I get over my fears - that's assuming they're are irrational as I hope they are - and get through this? I don't want to go backwards, but I feel on very rocky ground right now and I just don't know how to go forwards.
Sorry if this seems like more of a venting post than an advice seeking post... anything you can tell me about your starting points - or more importantly how you managed steering your relationship through these new adventures - would be really helpful. Do you think one fetish partner/one vanilla partner is something that can work, long-term? I am posting here, because I looked around and this seems like an active forum with users who know their stuff, so I'm hoping one of you will get back to me before too long.
Thanks for reading, I know it's been a monster post!
Shortly before our wedding, my husband finally told me that he was really into tying up, the selfbound stuff, and used to have a stash of toys and things hidden around the apartment for when I was out of town (but got rid of most of them when the fear I would find them got too much). I knew that he was interested in bondage porn but I thought - it's just porn = just pictures, right? Like looking at other girls in porn movies doesn't mean you're actually having sex with them!
Anyway, this made me quite uncomfortable. Not the props and so on, but the fact that someone you're about to make such a huge commitment to has this whole other life, this totally secret side of their character... it was harder to deal with because "if he's hidden this from me for 6 years, what else is he hiding now?!" There were a couple of other things (not BDSM related, but sex-related) I'd learned at earlier stages that he'd hidden from me before, so getting over the lack of trust is a painful hurdle, even though I can understand why he'd be loath to tell me. We did experiment with it once or twice but I'm not really turned on by submissive men although I did my best with the knots and stuff - I don't know any of the ties!, and to be honest I was kinda grateful when it slid out of sight again. Selfish, I know :-(
Anyway, there's more to it. I've been working away, on and off, for most of the last 6 months, so now that I'm back.. we had a heart to heart about a week or so and a fair bit more detail came out. This is all new stuff he's been trying, elaborations on the fantasies, more props, etc. I've been reading around a bit this week, trying to find as much information as I can to support him, but I don't know where to start. Where is a good place? I mean, all the BDSM links on getting started are for people who enjoy it, maybe who have been liking restraints or the idea of restraint since they were kids. There's not much for the poor ol' vanilla girl gritting her teeth and trying to find a starting point!!
The other thing is, it seems like there is such a strong BDSM community, websites, forums, specialist shops, fetish fairs and all that he visits regularly (it would have been nice if he'd asked me to go with him to the London Fetish Fair, as I was here at the time... I had actually intended to ask him about it when I got the flyer, knowing his interests, but I forgot!)
I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I feel really left behind. I don't know where to start. It doesn't really turn me on at all - well, maybe only when I'm the sub but then I have a low pain threshold and get bored fast! Being the dom does nothing for me, but it is massively important to my husband and after all it's taken for him to share this with me, I don't want to be as threatened by it as I am. My husband would love nothing more than to go to torture garden parties, go to a couple of fetish nights together as my slave etc, and I want to enjoy it together - it just seems like this is something that's gonna gather steam and as it's obvious it's not for me, I'm threatened by it because the more I encourage him getting into the scene, the more chance there is he'll leave me in the dust for something more adventurous that's more sexually compatible!! Confidence is sexy and I really don't have much confidence in myself as a dom! His favourite saying is "life's too short and I want to experience as much as possible", and I know, it's greedy and selfish of me but I don't want to share him with a ball gag - cos after that it's the ring gag, after that it's the hood and after that it's the suspension hooks in the living room ceiling...!
It just seems like something that gathers speed as it goes on.. I don't know. I suppose on one hand I'm wondering, how do I get him to slow down, remember that this is a bit fast for me - he may have been doing this for years and fantasising about it for longer, but I'm feeling a little bit overloaded here! On the other hand, I don't want to slap him down again after it has taken so long to get to this point. But going from a confession one week, to mentioning involving other people the next, is a bit much for me. How do I do this? How can I get over my fears - that's assuming they're are irrational as I hope they are - and get through this? I don't want to go backwards, but I feel on very rocky ground right now and I just don't know how to go forwards.
Sorry if this seems like more of a venting post than an advice seeking post... anything you can tell me about your starting points - or more importantly how you managed steering your relationship through these new adventures - would be really helpful. Do you think one fetish partner/one vanilla partner is something that can work, long-term? I am posting here, because I looked around and this seems like an active forum with users who know their stuff, so I'm hoping one of you will get back to me before too long.
Thanks for reading, I know it's been a monster post!
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