master jey
Moderator
Wow finally glad for you Seb 
Sebastian's got a slave!
- Thread starter sebastian
- Start date
sebastian
Active Member
Luna, thanks for the kind words. Yeah, I'm definitely concerned with whether he might be getting too attached to me. I've tried to be very clear with him that I don't think I'm likely to develop romantic feelings for him, and he says he understands that. But that doesn't mean he won't fall for me. I'm just focusing on being the best dom I can be and learning as much as I can from him and from the process.
P.S.Eudonym
Member
Back when I was a kid, there was this girl I was in love with but who hated me and enjoyed toying with my feelings. Once I told my parents about it, my mother told me that despite what happens, I am allowed to be wholesome and happy. (In the sense that none can take that away from you.)
Since then, I have met three rape victims and telling them this sentence like a mantra has helped all three of them. (One of them repeats it over and over in her head whenever she is faced with her fears and she seems to draw a lot of strength from it.)
Being made a victim is a horrible injust experience, but staying a victim is a choice. Realizing that, and that no past action can taint your future unless you allow it to, is probably the most important step a victim can make. (In my opinion & experience at least.)
When you took him on as a slave you took on the responsibility for his well being, for a while at least and within those constraints you should honor it. That being said, realize that being both: therapist and love interest never work out. Eventually, the baggage is overcome and one of the two becomes obsolete. From this, you can draw the safety that eventually parts of his interest in you will vanish. The tricky part is which.
I am aware that you are a lot more experienced in this than I am, but I feel the need to point out the following: Consider the possibility that his desire to be a slave and be trained is part of his subconcious justification for his attacker. In my experience, victims of violence find countless excuses for their attackers, to make the event seem less random and hence more understandable. Giving away the responsibility to make choices in his sexuality could point to him wanting to create the image that the rape was not a rape but simply a dom/sub game. While this may seem like a great bandaid, it is also a delusion that will eventually break down. This dynamic is impossible to figure out without actual contact to the person so I will not interpret in that direction, but if you feel this might be the case, you should think very hard on wether or not keeping him as a slave is a contructive way of recovery for him.
Finally, cudos for handling the situation as you do. The whole BDSM aspect aside, I have known many people who have ran away, cutting all ties and perpetuating the vicious cycle of victimization, out of the simple fear of how the emotional baggage may affect them. The fact that you did not and instead took on the responsibility and honored his trust speaks well of you as a person.
Since then, I have met three rape victims and telling them this sentence like a mantra has helped all three of them. (One of them repeats it over and over in her head whenever she is faced with her fears and she seems to draw a lot of strength from it.)
Being made a victim is a horrible injust experience, but staying a victim is a choice. Realizing that, and that no past action can taint your future unless you allow it to, is probably the most important step a victim can make. (In my opinion & experience at least.)
When you took him on as a slave you took on the responsibility for his well being, for a while at least and within those constraints you should honor it. That being said, realize that being both: therapist and love interest never work out. Eventually, the baggage is overcome and one of the two becomes obsolete. From this, you can draw the safety that eventually parts of his interest in you will vanish. The tricky part is which.
I am aware that you are a lot more experienced in this than I am, but I feel the need to point out the following: Consider the possibility that his desire to be a slave and be trained is part of his subconcious justification for his attacker. In my experience, victims of violence find countless excuses for their attackers, to make the event seem less random and hence more understandable. Giving away the responsibility to make choices in his sexuality could point to him wanting to create the image that the rape was not a rape but simply a dom/sub game. While this may seem like a great bandaid, it is also a delusion that will eventually break down. This dynamic is impossible to figure out without actual contact to the person so I will not interpret in that direction, but if you feel this might be the case, you should think very hard on wether or not keeping him as a slave is a contructive way of recovery for him.
Finally, cudos for handling the situation as you do. The whole BDSM aspect aside, I have known many people who have ran away, cutting all ties and perpetuating the vicious cycle of victimization, out of the simple fear of how the emotional baggage may affect them. The fact that you did not and instead took on the responsibility and honored his trust speaks well of you as a person.
sebastian
Active Member
PS, thanks for the kind words. I'm not necessarily that much more experienced that you are--this is my first slave, and I've only been actively playing this way for about 18 months. So don't be too impressed with me.
Your points about the way rape victims may avoid acknowledging what happened are good ones, but my slave doesn't seem to be in denial about being raped. He's mostly struggled with trying to stay in control. He told me that for 14 years, he never let anyone get close, and never told anyone what happened. Within two days of giving up control to me, he had begun talking to me about being raped, and now he's told his father, his brother, and a friend. So for him, admitting that he's not in control with me seems to have made it possible for him to admit that he wasn't in control of what happened back then.
He's got some complex issues with anal sex as a result. The two times we tried to have anal sex doggie style (which is my preferred position), he's gotten extremely scared, and the second time started screaming in pain despite my going slow, loosening him up with toys, using tons of lube, and not actually getting into him. He was held face down during the rape, so face down sex makes him clench up so much that he feels pain even though objectively he shouldn't. The next time we try it we're gonna try it face up, which he says feels safer to him.
I decided to go a lot slower with anal sex, so I've been having him wear a butt plug, which he likes. Last night I tied him face down and did a little pain play on his ass, mixed with lots of caressing, tickling, and other sensation play. At first he was really scared. Then he asked me to move the pillows (turns out the rapist pressed his face into the pillows), and as soon as I did that, he relaxed a lot and just let me work on him, which he found very arousing. I would have liked to go further, but I don't want to press him too hard; I figure small steps to desensitize him are more likely to have lasting results.
Your points about the way rape victims may avoid acknowledging what happened are good ones, but my slave doesn't seem to be in denial about being raped. He's mostly struggled with trying to stay in control. He told me that for 14 years, he never let anyone get close, and never told anyone what happened. Within two days of giving up control to me, he had begun talking to me about being raped, and now he's told his father, his brother, and a friend. So for him, admitting that he's not in control with me seems to have made it possible for him to admit that he wasn't in control of what happened back then.
He's got some complex issues with anal sex as a result. The two times we tried to have anal sex doggie style (which is my preferred position), he's gotten extremely scared, and the second time started screaming in pain despite my going slow, loosening him up with toys, using tons of lube, and not actually getting into him. He was held face down during the rape, so face down sex makes him clench up so much that he feels pain even though objectively he shouldn't. The next time we try it we're gonna try it face up, which he says feels safer to him.
I decided to go a lot slower with anal sex, so I've been having him wear a butt plug, which he likes. Last night I tied him face down and did a little pain play on his ass, mixed with lots of caressing, tickling, and other sensation play. At first he was really scared. Then he asked me to move the pillows (turns out the rapist pressed his face into the pillows), and as soon as I did that, he relaxed a lot and just let me work on him, which he found very arousing. I would have liked to go further, but I don't want to press him too hard; I figure small steps to desensitize him are more likely to have lasting results.
P.S.Eudonym
Member
Your welcome. 18 months is a lot more than two weeks, so credit where credit is due. 
I am glad to see he is making progress and apparently a healthy one. Lets hope this keeps up.
His issues with anal sex seem similar to the problems another victim I know had and appartently are very common. The muscles and our subconcious remember the original act and react upon any perceived threat in a defensive way. He is actively affraid, but his body reacts in the only way it can, it tightens up to prevent any intrusion. Its very likely that not your actions but the stress on his muscles combined with the surfacing memory caused the actual pain. If I was you, I'd rule out face down sex for a while to come.
I'd also like to point out the importance of easing him into sex as a joyous, comforting thing. This is key to the healing process of all rape victims both as a method of normalization and as a way to feel as a wholesome human being again. (Many rape victims, understandably, stay clear of sex, but as a result feel incomplete because their unwillingness/ inability to have sex removes them from "normal" society. Others, in an attempt to emulate normality, plunge themselves into sexual escapades, essentially repeating the act of the attack emotionaly and physically.)
In order to help this process, I'd like to advise you to ensure he sees your face and emotional state as much as possible, especially during actual sex, i.e. penetration. Realizing that you are paying attention to his wants/ needs, interact with him instead of just taking and knowing you are not his attacker will help him.
You are dealing with one of the most complex emotional and psychological issue known to man, slow and gentle is right way to go.
I am glad to see he is making progress and apparently a healthy one. Lets hope this keeps up.
His issues with anal sex seem similar to the problems another victim I know had and appartently are very common. The muscles and our subconcious remember the original act and react upon any perceived threat in a defensive way. He is actively affraid, but his body reacts in the only way it can, it tightens up to prevent any intrusion. Its very likely that not your actions but the stress on his muscles combined with the surfacing memory caused the actual pain. If I was you, I'd rule out face down sex for a while to come.
I'd also like to point out the importance of easing him into sex as a joyous, comforting thing. This is key to the healing process of all rape victims both as a method of normalization and as a way to feel as a wholesome human being again. (Many rape victims, understandably, stay clear of sex, but as a result feel incomplete because their unwillingness/ inability to have sex removes them from "normal" society. Others, in an attempt to emulate normality, plunge themselves into sexual escapades, essentially repeating the act of the attack emotionaly and physically.)
In order to help this process, I'd like to advise you to ensure he sees your face and emotional state as much as possible, especially during actual sex, i.e. penetration. Realizing that you are paying attention to his wants/ needs, interact with him instead of just taking and knowing you are not his attacker will help him.
You are dealing with one of the most complex emotional and psychological issue known to man, slow and gentle is right way to go.
sillylittlepet
Active Member
(and women)
P.S.Eudonym
Member
As in mankind = humanity. The phrase was probably inappropriate in this context. My bad.
sebastian
Active Member
Noticed a nice breakthrough my slave has made. I've been doing a lot of tit torture with him, and it's starting to pay off. He can handle a lot more than he could two weeks ago. More importantly, though, I noticed today that he makes almost the same sounds when I'm doing something pleasurable (like stroking his cock) as he does when I'm torturing him. So he's really making the pleasure-pain connection. And he's much more aware of his body. Just gently stroking his back and shoulders is making him shiver with pleasure. I think now that he's not so focused on trying to control himself as a way to deal with having been raped, he's able to enjoy his body much more. Makes me feel like I'm really giving him things he needs.
TwistedSister
New Member
You sound like a wonderful Master and mentor.. your slave is lucky. Best to you both.
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