NEWCOMER'S FAQ: READ BEFORE POSTING

sebastian

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There are a lot of websites that cater to meeting other kinky people to play with. Apart from this site, here are a few others to check out. I'm more familiar with the ones that cater to gay men; perhaps someone else can flesh out the straight sites.

Pansexual sites:
Fetlife (not really designed to search for playmates)
Collarme
BDSM.com
Fetishdating.com
Alt.com (I don't recommend this one unless you want to spend a lot of money paying for the ability to look at profiles and read mail)
The Slave Register (specifically for master/slave ads, but it's hard to post pics because of the low file size limit--I don't recommend it)

Gay/Bisexual men:
Manhunt (the biggest--I've had more success finding play partners here than any other site)
Gay.com
Recon
Gearfetish (mostly guys into clothing fetishes like sports gear, motorcycle gear, superhero outfits, etc.)
Adam4Adam
Daddyhunt
Gaymasterslave.com

In your ad, be honest about your level of experience and explain loosely what you're looking for. If you only want to be a slave in the bedroom, say that. Indicate some of your limits; if piss is off-limits, saying so will keep you from wasting time with the doms who really want someone for urinal service. If you're willing to relocate for your prospective master, say so.

You can also post on vanilla sites like OKCupid, Match.com, and so on, but you'll probably have to use code words rather than being really explicit about what you want. Try posting pics of you in leather or clothing that hints at your fetish, but really suggestive pics (like you holding a flogger) might get deleted. Make references to being SSC (safe, sane, and consensual), seeking 24/7 or looking for a daddy.

Craigslist also carries personals, and I have seen a fair number of ads posted explicitly asking/offering kinky play. My one venture into seeking a slave on Craigslist earned a number of responses, none of which obeyed the instructions in the ad, which leads me to suspect that Craigslist is not a great way to find kinky partners. But, on the other hand, the frequency with which people advertise for a slave or master suggests that it might be an option.
 
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Knots

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Really excellent thread - I've already learned so much!

I'm completely new to all of this and have a couple questions that I didn't see answered here. I hope you don't mind me asking here - I thought, since I'm a newcomer, other newbies might have the same questions.

1 - Where's the best place to meet potential doms? I'm sure this website is a great resource - what sorts of things are appropriate to list in a personal ad when looking for a dom? I've also heard a bit about bondage/leather clubs, but am unfamiliar with how they actually work. Is it safe (if I follow the usual "trust my instincts", common sense, etc rules) or appropriate to try to find doms in my area at these clubs?

2 - I've seen a lot of people talking about "online" bdsm relationships. How exactly do they work?

I really appreciate all of the helpful, straightforward info so far! I'm a little timid about all of this and thought I might be a bit of a freak for being interested in it, hehe. Nice to know there are lots of others out there.

(And if I need to ask these questions [I know they're a bit specific] in a separate post, I can. Just thought I'd try here, first!)

Really, it depends entirely on the people involved. The sub may be set daily tasks (picture proof is a normality), have to ask permissions/run things through the dom, the two may do textual roleplay or all of the above and more.
 
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sebastian

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As a new Dom to an experienced sub who is very intellectual, who needs her mind involved as much as her body, how can one go about accomplishing this? I really do enjoy the dominating role just not sure how to get her involved mentally? Any advice?

Fire, at the risk of turning the FAQ into a thread for specifics, my recommendation would be to focus on verbal play. That engages the mind and helps get the sub's mind to go where her body is going. For example, if you're torturing her tits, say things like 'I'll bet that really hurts! You wish it could stop, don't you?" That sort of thing will force her to focus on the pain. Conversely, you can talk about how good it feels when you fuck her, or when you stroke her pussy or whatever.

Make her beg for what she wants. That again forces her to think about what's happening.

Another trick is to force her to verbalize things. If she likes humiliation, insult her. Tell her she's a dirty bitch, and then order her to repeat it. Force her to tell you she wants to be spanked, or whatever else she likes. The act of vocalizing her desires, your insults, and the like forces her to validate her desires, to acknowledge the truth of what you've said, and so on.

Intellectuals often use intellectual analysis as a way to distance themselves from their feelings. ("yes, I often get very quiet when I'm feeling anxious in social situations.") If you spot her doing this during situations when she should be submissive, don't let her do it. Force her to feel what she's feeling. Order her to say what she's feeling, or start telling her what she's feeling (if you know her well enough to be able to guess). If you can manage this, it will probably make her feel very vulnerable, because you've pushed past her defense mechanism, and it will also probably make her feel controlled and feel your dominance.
 
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sebastian

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We get lots of questions about anal play for beginners, so here's some basics. I'm a gay man who has done a fair amount of anal sex, both as bottom and more recently as top, so I know whereof I speak. But this post is not all there is to know about anal sex, so do some more reading online after this.

First, for all you victims of abstinence-only education, anal sex is sex. If you're having anal sex, you're having sex, and you're not a virgin any more. Get over it. And if you think God is going to be mad at you for having sex, He's going to be just as mad at you for taking it up the ass as He would be if you were doing baby-making sex. (Personally, as a Christian, I don't think God hates sex at all, but your mileage may vary.)

Some terminology: the anus is the external opening of the rectum, which connects to the small colon. The muscle that controls the anus is the sphincter. It is designed to hold feces in until the person is ready to defecate, so the sphincter is very good at holding things in, but not very good about preventing things from coming in the other way. The prostate is a gland that surrounds the urethra; it contributes to semen. In men, the prostate lies just on the other side of the rectum, so that when a man is getting fucked anally, the prostate is getting stroked indirectly. This is extremely pleasurable. In women, the prostate glands are not accessible this way (so anal sex is not as intensely pleasurable for women as for men, at least not biologically).

Before you do anal sex, spend a little time just exploring your anus with your finger. Take a shower or bath with warm water, wash your butt, and just explore a little. Most people are taught to associate the anus with filth, so it will help to spend some time exploring it as a center of pleasure. I find that the sensation of warm to hot water running over my anus is very nice; I often linger in the shower to feel it for a few seconds. Gently push your finger into the anus until you meet resistance from the sphincter; it might open in a few moments to let your finger in, but don't press hard. This is a fact-finding mission.

You can also have a partner rim your anus, licking it with a variety of strokes. Make sure it's clean, and if you're going to be getting rimmed a lot, your partner should get hepetitis A and B shots; hep is very nasty, and largely incurable, but there are vaccines against it. If you tell your doctor that you're doing rimming or anal sex and your doctor thinks hep shots are unnecessary, he's wrong (and not familiar with gay men's health issues); contact a gay men's health organization (even if you're a straight woman) and you can probably get the shots free or very cheap. The bottom is not really at risk of getting hep (unless the top is doing anal sex with multiple partners), but the top can be (since he's coming into contact with the bottom's rectum).

Once you're ready to stick something up your butt, set aside some time. Don't rush this. There are only three things that should ever go in your ass: 1) a clean, well-manicured finger (no long nails) or hand (if you want to explore fisting) 2) a human cock (humans only; animal cocks can really damage the human anus) 3) a purpose-made toy like a dildo, butt plug or vibrator. Do not use soda bottles, carrots, plungers, bike handles, small rodents, or anything else; there are all sorts of hazards that can happen. Veggies can break off, bike handles can go all the way in and get lost, plunger handles and broom sticks can splinter, rodents will bite and claw, and so on. Yes, you may have seen porn in which stunt bottoms take broom handles, night sticks, boot heels or toes, back hoes and what not, but you're not a stunt bottom; you're a beginner and you can't see what sort of precautions the porn shot took. If you use a dildo or vibrator, it needs to be one that flares out at the bottom, to prevent the whole toy from sliding in (which can happen very easily once you're using lube).

Once you've chosen your toy (and I recommend starting with a modest-sized dildo or butt plug, not a cock), use lots of silicone or water-based lube (don't use spit--it's not slick enough; don't use crisco or vegetable oil either, especially if you're using a condom, since oil dissolves latex). Clean the toy with hot soapy water, dry it, lube it up very generously, and very gently start pressing against the anus. In a few seconds, you will feel some discomfort; this is the sphincter struggling to keep the toy out. DON'T push hard; just keep the gentle pressure up and after a minute, the sphincter will tire out and relax enough for the toy to enter. The sphincter just isn't strong enough to resist a determined assault, but if you push hard you risk tearing the muscle and that would suck. You can usually tell when the sphincter relaxes, because the toy suddenly slides in. Success! Take a little time to get used to the new sensation of fullness. It may feel like you have to defecate; that's because you've never had fullness down there without needing to poop. After you get used to the feeling, start gently sliding the toy in and out. The first time or so that you do this, you may not enjoy it very much; your ass isn't used to this, you might be freaking out a little, and your sphincter probably hurts. Wait a day or two and try it again. If after several sessions you haven't started to find it pleasurable, then maybe anal sex isn't for you. But if you do find you enjoy it, do a few more sessions with toys and then use your partner's cock.

I'm going to assume your partner is monogamous with you; if not, ALWAYS use a condom. The pleasure of butt sex is not worth the risk of AIDS. For your first session with a real cock, I recommend that your partner lie on his back and that you straddle him and slowly lower yourself onto his cock. This gives you near total control over how fast you go. Every time you fuck, your sphincter is going to take a minute to loosen up, so the bottom needs to start out with control (or else loosen your sphincter up with a toy or fingers). Once your feel the head of the cock slide in, you can finish lowering yourself onto your partner's cock, and after a few moments, he can start to thrust gently or you can slide up and down on the cock. After doing it that way for a little bit, change positions and let the top start having his fun. (It's possible to be submissive when you're on top like that, but most other positions feel much more submissive than this one).

So that's the basics on anal sex. Let's talk about a few complications. First, there is shit. You probably have some in your ass. Anal douching/enemas are not absolutely necessary for anal sex, but they make it much cleaner. So consider taking a quick enema or a dump before anal sex; it sharply reduces the risk of an unpleasant accident that will completely kill the mood (there's still one guy I cannot imagine fucking again, even though he's cute, simply because things got messy). Even if you douche, there might be a little bit of poop on your toy or cock when it comes out. That's unavoidable unless you do what porn stars do when they're going to get fucked (which is not eat for a while beforehand and aggressively enema--remember, porn doesn't usually show the precautions). If you're going to do anal sex, you just need to accept that you will occasionally see a trace of brown (if that grosses you out, wear a condom). Having said all that, I never douched when I was bottoming, and I never had an accident.

After anal sex, you may very well have the urge to defecate. That's natural; you've just loosened the thing designed to hold shit in, and vigorous thrusting may have softened up the stool inside you; the lube may also make keeping stuff in harder. So plan to make a quick run to the bathroom when you feel that urge. But there is little evidence that anal sex will lead to incontinence. Like all muscles, the sphincter gets stronger when it's exercised, not weaker. Wash your butt and the top's cock after sex, because you might have a little santorum. Feces aren't a contact poison, so a little on your skin will not make your sick, but if it gets into a rash, open cut, or sore, you could wind up with an infection.

(Post continues in next post)
 
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sebastian

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(continued from previous post)

Now let's talk about pain. Anal sex always involves a little bit of discomfort (the sphincter needs to tire out, remember). The first few times you play with a toy, and the first couple times you take a cock, the discomfort may be enough to discourage you from fucking. But in general, once your ass gets used to what you're doing to it, much of the discomfort will fade. The sphincter's discomfort is a dull ache, a bit like when you overdo a workout at the gym, but usually less than that. Serious pain, especially if it's sharp or a tearing sensation, is ALWAYS a sign that something is wrong and that you should stop for the night. Inexperienced tops may not know that they need to push gently until the sphincter opens, and they may push hard right away--don't let them do that. At the start of any session, the sub/bottom needs to control the pace of fucking until the sphincter relaxes. If you feel serious pain, STOP. Do not try to 'push past it'. Because you need that pain to warn you that something is wrong, do not use things like numbing lube or spray. You're risking injury if you do, as well as losing a lot of the pleasure.

But lack of pain is not always a sign that everything is ok. The anus has lots of pain/pleasure nerves in it (which is why rimming feels so nice), but the rectum and colon have much fewer. You can tell when the rectum is full, but that's about it. It is entirely possible to have a cut or tear in your rectum or colon without any pain. And the rectum and colon are much more delicate organs than the vagina; the walls are thinner. This doesn't mean you can't do hard anal fucking; it just means you need to watch for blood. Anal sex often produces a small amount of blood (usually in the stool afterwards); that's fairly normal and isn't a cause for worry. But anything more than a little blood during sex or some streaks of bright red in the stool is a sign of a cut that may need be looked at. So always check your stool after anal sex just to make sure there's not much blood. If there is blood dripping out of your anus or if the blood doesn't stop soon after sex, go to an urgent care or ER.

Keep in mind that feces has all sorts of nasty bacteria in it. Normally these bacteria pass harmlessly through the colon, rectum, and anus, but if there is a cut or tear there, there is a risk that the bacteria will lodge in the cut, get into the tissue and turn into an infection. In a really extreme case, this can result in a fistula, which is a hole in the wall of the colon or rectum that allows feces to get out into your abdominal cavity; that's really bad. Don't let this risk deter you from anal sex (if it were really common, the hospitals would be filled with gay men on a nightly basis, and not just interns). As long as you take reasonable precautions (decent amounts of lube, no inappropriate objects, stopping if you feel serious pain), you're unlikely to need to go to the ER.

If something does go wrong, go to the urgent care or ER. Yes, it's embarrassing to tell a doctor or nurse that your butt fucking got carried away or that you lost a dildo up your butt, but not nearly as embarrassing as dying from a perforated colon. Doctors and nurses are professionals; they have an obligation to treat you with consideration no matter what you were doing sexually or what they think of the morality of anal sex. HIPA legislation makes it illegal for them to gossip about your case, so the worst that is likely to happen is that you become an anonymous story ("yeah, I once had a guy come in with a 14 inch dildo stuck in his ass. I had to give him a shot of tranquilizers to get his sphincter to stop spasming")--you're not going to wind up on the nightly news, even in a small town. And ER staff have seen EVERYTHING. They have pulled all sorts of weird stuff out of people's asses (lemons, coke bottles, bottle caps, GI Joes, frozen hot dogs, etc), so whatever you were doing is unlikely to shock them. If you did something foolish (like use a plunger handle that left splinters), you might get a lecture about being safe, but that's about it. If your doctor or nurse starts talking down to you ("the anus is for shitting, not fucking"), you have a right to be affronted; demand that the doctor treat you respectfully. Respectful treatment is a patient right. (In general, if you're going to explore BDSM, learn to confidently advocate for yourself with your doctors; tell them what you're doing or thinking of doing, when it's relevant to your physical health. And don't assume they automatically know more about what BDSM might do to your body than you do; many doctors know comparatively little about BDSM safety techniques and might therefore assume that something is more dangerous than it is.)

And if people tell you that the anus is only for pooping, ask them why God made stimulation of the prostate so damn pleasurable if he didn't want it to happen. And every other orifice in the body has more than one use, so it stands to reason the anus does as well. If they point out that you can get infections that way, remind them that a large percentage of yeast infections are caused by fecal bacteria migrating to the vagina or as a complication of vaginal sex, but no one ever suggests that yeast infections mean that the vagina isn't for fucking.

Obviously there is more I could talk about, like fisting, anal training, and enemas, but this is for beginners. Enjoy, and remember to wash afterward.
 
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sebastian

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I'm no expert on play parties--I've been to a couple 4-5 person parties and 1 club night (where things went rather badly for reasons I won't go into). If someone else with more experience wants to step in, feel free. But here's what I can advise:

Play parties and sex clubs are sometimes advertised on line; others are restricted to current members and invited guests. The one club I went to required a ticket purchased ahead of time and an invitation from a member. Your local munch may know about upcoming parties, and may in fact host them. Some clubs have strict dress codes of one sort or another. So be sure that you're dressed acceptably. And there may be other limits--gay and bi men only on Tuesday, for example. Major cities have professional sex clubs open to people who pay for admission (but some may require membership). So make sure before you go that you can get in. Be discrete in your approach to the club--don't wear clothing that leaves your ass or genitals or tits hanging out until you get inside. So either change there or wear an overcoat or whatever. Many clubs have changing facilities, lockers, etc.

Unless it's a very casual party at a friend's home, you're going to pay for admission. This helps defray the cost of the site and the event, and it also changes the site from a public space to a private space: sex in public is a crime, but in many jurisdictions, sex at a private event is not a crime.

Once inside, the club will have rules for you to follow. Some clubs allow full nudity, but that may not be universal. Some allow full-out sex, while others forbid penetration. Unless you're renting a private dungeon room (for example, at a kinky b&b), most of your play is going to be where others can see you. So expect to have an audience for what you're doing. If you don't want an audience, what are you doing at a sex party?

There are basic rules and common-sense courtesy.

1) Do not attempt to play with someone without their consent; don't assume that you can use someone just because they appear to be a sub. If you're interested in a particular sub, approach and ask them if they are free to play. Only if they agree to play should you presume to dominate them. Until then, treat them respectfully. Address them as 'boy' or 'girl' or some other common diminutive. They'll correct you about how they should be addressed if that doesn't work for them. And if they indicate that they can only play with their master/mistress' permission, get permission from the dom. If you're a sub, expect this sort of general treatment. If you don't want to play, respectfully decline the offer.

2) Establish safe words before you play. Some clubs have a standard one; others let people use whatever they choose. But always respect the safe word. Stop if it gets used and find out what the issue is.

3) Do not touch another person's gear, unless absolutely unavoidable. Ask permission if you want to examine or use a toy.

4) If a scene is going on, by all means watch. But do not intrude; don't comment (although it's probably ok to whisper to a friend). Don't try to play through unless invited. Some of what you see may look dangerous, but unless you're highly experienced in a particular form of play and know that something dangerous is happening, do not presume to intervene; those involved may well be much more knowledgeable than you are. And just because you've never done a particular form of play doesn't mean it's as risky as it looks; what is extreme to you may be old hat to someone else. If you do see something that looks dangerous or criminal, speak to the dungeon monitor and let them deal with it. And remember that just because something another couple is doing seems gross to you doesn't mean that everyone agrees. Respect the kinks of others even if you don't share them.

5) Any proper club or well-run party will have at least one dungeon monitor. These people are there to observe the play, enforce rules, and ensure safety. Normally monitors have full authority to stop whatever is going on. If a monitor tells you to stop doing something, don't argue; stop play and then calmly discuss his/her concerns. If you cannot persuade him/her that things are ok, respect that ruling and find something else to do with your sub. If you have a concern or conflict with someone else at the party, bring it to the monitor and let him/her adjudicate. Monitors ought to be easily identifiable--perhaps they're wearing a special t-shirt or hat (at the club I went to, the monitor wore an orange safety vest). Monitors may also have safety gear like an EMT scissors or first aid kit, but bring your own safety gear.

6) Clubs may have separate spaces for torture, sex, eating snacks and drinking, conversation, and so on. Respect those rules. If you're in a play space (like the St Andrew's Cross), actually use it for play--if you just want to talk, vacate the space so someone else can use it. And clean up the space when you're done.

7) Practice safe sex. Even if you normally wouldn't use a condom, consider using one. People have probably had sex on the surfaces you're using, so extra precautions are wise. Bring some wet wipes and towels to wipe down any surfaces you're unsure about. And if you're playing with a stranger, ask them about their medical status, and so on before you play.

As you can see, most of these rules are pretty common-sense. Some clubs may have more detailed rules posted--they might forbid things like blood or fire play, for example. And some cities have weird rules designed to discourage sex parties (Milwaukee, for example, bans the use of slings at clubs). In many areas, clubs can only operate if they keep the police off their backs, and that might involve being careful about noise, for example. The club I went to was in a residential neighborhood, so they really wanted us to keep a low profile, not be jerks about parking, and not make too much noise.
 
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Smallest

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Moonlight, I don't have anything to really say to you, but just to add on for sebastian.

A lot of the clubs that put on play parties (not nightclubs, but BDSM groups- here the big one is Sagacity, province-wide, and they usually put on parties at whatever nightclub or hotel they rent) will have a set list of rules online, so you can check that before attending. Also, many are on facebook or fetlife, so you can ask the admin on the event what will be going on.
 
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sebastian

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Yeah, Googling is a good way to start. Look for your local munch--a BDSM social group. Any major city will have one, and smaller cities may as well. Munches are vanilla social gatherings, usually in public at a coffee shop or mall food court, but some munches host a monthly or annual play party. So finding your munch will probably get you hooked into their party.

Major cities will have professional clubs that hold regular, or perhaps even nightly events. Clothing-optional camp grounds may well have occasional play parties as well. Parties are often advertised on Fetlife and other kinky chat boards. Again, these may be general admission to ticket holders, or they may be members and invited guests only.
 
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sebastian

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The terminology of BDSM participants can be quite complex, and there isn't a fully-standardized vocabulary. Each dom/sub couple figure out the terms they are most comfortable with, and these terms may or may not accord with 'standard' usage. But I think most BDSMers would loosely agree with the following:

Top/Bottom refers to specific activities, with the top being the one doing the action to the bottom. Thus one can be a bondage top or a flogging bottom. Jut to confuse you, in the gay community, 'top' and 'bottom' specifically refer to those who penetrate anally and those who are anally penetrated. Kinksters use the term differently.

Dom/sub refers to the one who receives power and the one who gives power respectively. In general, the dom is in charge and the sub receives orders. In many cases doms are tops and subs are bottoms, but a dom may order his sub to tie him up and torture him, because he enjoys those things. In that case, the dom is the bottom while the sub is the top. Broadly speaking, the terms dom and sub indicate some degree of power exchange, but do not specify how much power exchange. Thus if you let your bf spank you occasionally, but are otherwise egalitarian, your bf is a dom and you are a sub, even if you don't exchange power frequently or very far. These same terms might also cover those who do 24/7 total power exchange. Thus dom and sub are best thought of as broad categories.

Masters and slaves are, generally, doms and subs who have agreed to a very substantial degree of power exchange that usually extends into the rest of the relationship. So master and slave are on the extreme side of dom and sub. But they can still call themselves dom and sub. So all masters and slaves are doms and subs, but not all doms and subs are master and slaves. Some subs tend to call their dom master regardless of what arrangement they have, while others may reserve that term for one who has collared them.

Terms such as boy, girl, pet, pup, and the like generally designate subs who are not full slaves. But these might also be used as affectionate terms for a slave. In the gay community daddy typically designates a dom who is less than a full-time master; those under him are typically boys.

Sir is a default term of address for a male dominant, even one who has no formal authority over the speaker. Thus it is a term of respect suitable for nearly any dom. In the fabled Old Guard tradition, Sir was normally only a term of address, a title to apply to the man one is speaking to ("How are you today, Sir?") But in the wider BDSM community, Sir has become a noun that can be used in the third person. ("If you need to speak with him, my Sir will be here soon.")

Many doms adopt a dominant title as a standard part of his or her name ('Master Jack', 'Lady Elizabeth', 'Goddess Regina', and so on). These titles are purely affectations; one is free to ignore them, although politeness would encourage you to use them unless you want to irritate the dom in question (although personally, I think it's rather pompous to affect such titles; I think it shows a certain immaturity and lack of confidence to expect other people to address you with a title you've essentially made up to sound important). And, of course, if that person is your dom, address them exactly as they have instructed you. Some BDSM communities may have rules about who within their tradition can adopt a certain title (I remember once reading a claim that 'Master' should only be used for someone who had demonstrated competence in a specific range of BDSM skills), but there is no standard agreement on this point, so far as I know.

A good rule of thumb for submissives is to address all BDSMers you meet with a courtesy title of Sir or Ma'am (or Lady or milady, perhaps), even if you think the person may be a sub. If the title is inappropriate, the person will correct you ("this slave is not entitled to be called Sir. You may address this slave as 'boy Mark'"). In other words, subs treat other subs with respect until told otherwise.

For doms, it's a little trickier. At least in the gay community (which is what I'm familiar with), if someone addresses me as Sir, I assume they are being submissive, and I respond by calling him boy. I will never begin by calling him boy, unless I have some other indication that he is submissive. For that reason, I do not address another dominant as Sir (since it would indicate that I wish to be submissive to him). Instead, I will typically call him by whatever given name he uses. If I feel a need to refer to him more formally, I suppose I might call him Sir Jack or Master Jack. Were I to deal with a domme, I would probably be slightly more polite and call her Milady. As you can see, it's not a perfectly systematic practice--it's what works for me. And again, I'm not super-experienced in the wider protocol of the BDSM community, so someone more experienced than I may need to correct me here.
 
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Smallest

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Sebastian and other contributors: don't worry if you suddenly look and this thread is 5 pages long instead of 9. I just cleared out over 60 posts saying one-line 'thank you's. All the content is still there, but I wanted it to be a bit more readable for the newcomers (and if anyone had a post deleted that they want back, I can reverse it for them. Most of what was taken off were one-off posts by long gone members).

I know I'd definitely be like 'oh no all my good posts are probably gone' if I was a major contributor.
 
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