NEWCOMER'S FAQ: READ BEFORE POSTING

sebastian · May 9, 2011

I was reading over the safety tips for meeting a new dom and realized I should point something out. For a new sub meeting his or her first time, there is probably always going to be a certain amount of anxiety and fear. This is entirely natural. While you should always trust your gut instincts when meeting a new dom, realize that you'll be nervous and don't let simple nerves alone scare you out of playing. (In other words, just because you're nervous doesn't mean you shouldn't play with the dom you met, but if you can identify specific problems with a new dom, like evidence that he may have lied to you or he seems weird, then you should be more reluctant and cautious.)

Giving up control is scary, both because of the physical risks involved and because of the implications of being submissive. Our society emphasizes that men and women are equal and that men should never be submissive, so being submissive involves moving away from deeply-ingrained social norms, and it may well involve drastic shifts in how the sub has always viewed him or herself. For some subs, the tension between their normal daily persona and their submissive side is what makes being submissive so arousing. But it's also one of the things that makes it frightening.

And some doms enjoy accentuating those jitters. When I meet a new sub, I often do little things to play on the sub's anxieties. I maintain eye contact longer than normal. If I can, I put my boot up on the sub's chair between his legs. I do this because I want to establish my dominance early on and condition the sub to seeing me as being in charge.

So don't let nerves or jitters prevent you from exploring your submissive side. The scariness is normal and not an inherent sign that a dom is a bad dom. That means that a new sub has a difficult task to manage; he or she has to find a compatible dom, sort out the risky dom from the safe one, and overcome his or her nerves to play. So take your time when you're starting out. Don't just jump into the ropes of the first dom you talk to. But don't let fear keep you from pursuing your desires.

new1 · May 9, 2011

Some doms like you to experience leveled emotions the first time, or few times, to ease you in gently..........and to ensure minimal after affects on a sub who may not have anyone to talk to about his/her experiences. (my preferred approach)

Especially considering the heightened emotions around the confrontation of ones desires, especially if one is for the first time being called upon to recognize them and voice them.

Would be good for someone to differentiate between the dominant approaches.. After all it is about seducing the sub into consensual obedience by using intelligent, persuasive, tactical mastery of ones Language in all forms. Inclusive of subduing the taboo and concerns and fears of the sub and developing a system of management for their new self exploration.

I hate to say it but I find some doms' lack appropriate empathy/approach and communication skills. Pick one who is compatible and whom you trust.

sebastian · Jul 14, 2011

Sally wants some advice on how to be a sub. I'm not the best person for this, since I'm more of a dom. But i suppose I'll start the ball rolling, and maybe others with more experience can add to it.

Let's assume you've found a dom that you trust. He's given you safe words, he's shown that he is concerned with your safety and your basic enjoyment (on the Inner Level) and you want to explore with him. So where do you begin?

You begin with communication. You need to ask your dom what he wants you to be. Ask him what sort of play he wants to explore. Ask him for protocols and rules of behavior. Does he want you to address him as Sir, or Master, or Lord, or Daddy? Does he want you to remain silent unless spoken to? Does he want you to be very obedient, or does he like a more feisty, bratty sub that needs to be tamed? And can you follow those rules? If you are naturally bratty, you may not enjoy being a very obedient sub. So it's important to realize that you have a right to your own needs. Although you are expected to meet your dom's needs, his needs have to be close enough to yours that you are getting some real satisfaction from your play. If what he wants doesn't connect to what arouses you and triggers your submissive feelings, then it's unlikely that the two of you will work well together.

You should also tell your dom what you want. Tell him what turns you on, what triggers your submissive side, what types of play you want to try. One of the biggest mistakes that subs make is expecting the dom to be a mind reader. Good doms can sometimes give the impression of psychically knowing what is in a sub's head, but that's slight of hand and guesswork (at least it is with me--maybe there are some honest-to-God mind-reading doms out there, but I'm guessing they're uncommon). So subs will get frustrated. "Why isn't he spanking me? He ought to realize I love being spanked." Don't fall into this trap. If you dom is not doing something you want, or doing something you really hate, you need to speak up and explain your feelings to the dom. Depending on the terms of your submission, your dom may or may not give you that, but most doms will try to meet the sub's desires. But expecting your dom to be a mind-reader and magically know what you want and need is unfair to your dom.

Also, explain your limits to your dom. Tell him what things you are currently unwilling to do at all (hard limits) and what things you are nervous about doing but think you might be ok with if he introduces them slowly (soft limits). Don't tell your dom that you have no limits; that's not helpful to him and it's most assuredly not true. As a novice sub I recommend that you establish hard limits on at least the following issues: no blood, no permanent marks, no children, no animals, no drugs, no feces, and no unsafe or illegal forms of BDSM or sex. A couple of these you should probably always avoid (kids, animals, feces, and drugs--yes I know that some people are ok with doing illegal drugs, but drugs and BDSM are an extremely dangerous combination, since they reduce the sub's ability to use safe words and decrease the dom's ability to control what is happening), but the others you may eventually decide to move into soft limits and then into regular play. Add to your hard limits anything that you think would make you really upset to have done to you; anal sex, exhibitionism, piss drinking, for example). Toss in anything that reminds you of serious emotional trauma; for example, if you father used to beat you with a hairbrush, you might put hairbrushes in your hard limits. Your soft limits should include anything that you feel nervous about; these are things your dom should agree to talk over with you before springing on you. If the idea of getting pissed on or having to have sex with a stranger makes you feel icky, put them in your soft limits and ask the dom to talk to you before he does them. My sub has a soft limit on sex with third parties--I have to tell him ahead of time, and he has to meet the guy at some time prior to playing, and he has the right to say that he will not play with any candidate. Hard and soft limits change over time; as you build trust with a dom, you may find that you trust him enough that you will waive your soft limits, and you might eventually decide that something you thought was unacceptable starts to seem interesting. For example, when I first started domming, pup play and piss were hard limits for me; I thought they were very extreme and sort of grotesque. But the more I thought about them, I started to understand what was erotic about them, and now I regularly piss on my sub and I'm willing to do pup play if it comes up. So err on the side of caution--start with a decent list of hard limits, and then slowly move them into soft limits and full play as you feel comfortable with them.

And remember that the sub sets the limits; a dom may ask you to consider something you currently have off limits, but no dom should order you to drop your limits, and a dom who ignores your limits and brings in something from your hard limit list is a dom you should IMMEDIATELY stop playing with. Safe word out of the scene and have a talk. A while ago, I arranged for my sub to play with another dom. I arranged for him to meet the dom, and he agreed that the dom was acceptable. But a month went by between meeting the sub and actually playing. I arranged for the dom to pick up my sub and take him to his house; I planned to show up a couple hours later. But I had completely forgotten that my boy had said that he wanted me to be there when the other dom started playing with him. My boy was upset when the dom picked him up alone, but tried to go along with the scene, until he started feeling abandoned. He very wisely ended the scene, and explained the problem to the dom, who called me. I came over, talked with my boy, and upon realizing that I was in the wrong, I apologized profusely for having forgotten the conditions my boy set. This incident seriously harmed my boy's trust in me, and it took a lot of talking for us to work through it. Had my boy decided to withdraw his submission permanently from me, I would have entirely understood his choice. I still feel bad about screwing up.

It's very common for subs to want to go beyond what the dom asks for. For example, I gave my boy a protocol that he contacts me once a day. He very quickly decided to contact me twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. That pleases me, because it tells me he wants to please me as much as possible. So don't hesitate to offer suggestions for how to extend your protocols. But be aware that not all your suggestions may be welcome. Your dom may not want a particular type of service. I enjoy cooking, so some times I don't want my boy to make dinner. After play, it's very common for subs to clean the toys and play space, so ask the dom how he wants clean-up handled.

Also, remember that no dom is dominant every waking moment. Your dom may be tired after a difficult day, or he may be depressed, sad, or angry about something. Those are times when you need to simply accept your dom in whatever shape he's in, and accept that perhaps he can't receive service from you at the moment. When I first owned my boy, about a month into the relationship, I had to fly across the country because my father was dying. This was very difficult on my boy, because he kept wanting to be helpful to me in some way while I was out of town grieving. He felt like I didn't want him. It was very hard for him to realize that I simply couldn't receive much service from him, because I needed to focus on my family. It took him a lot of time to understand what "they also serve who only stand and wait" means. Receiving service is not always as easy as it looks, so be understanding when he can't receive. It doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate you.

And understand that doms have limits as well. You may want your dom to play a rape scene with you, but your dom may be uncomfortable playing such an extreme scene. Keep in mind that in this case, you're asking your dom to play the role of a vicious, hateful asshole; that may be a frightening or disturbing persona for your dom. If your dom was abused as child, asking him to act as an abuser could be deeply upsetting. When a dom goes into the dark places of his psyche, he might be afraid that he can't come back; he may be afraid that if he really opens a particular door, he might not like what he finds. When I dom, I often wake up my 'beast'; it's the most feral part of me, a part of me that really enjoys inflicting pain without regard to the person being hurt. My beast is intense and I love waking it, but sometimes when it's really coming out, I start to worry that I might accidentally harm my sub, and so I have to rein it in. One of my deepest fears is that I might get so carried away with my beast that I would disregard my sub's consent and safe words. So if you ask for a particular scene or type of play, realize that your dom may need to veto it; that's something to discuss if it happens.

As a sub, you naturally want to please. That means that when something goes wrong, you have a natural tendency to assume that the problem is your fault; you must have said or done, or not said or not done something that caused the problem. That isn't necessarily true. You may have served your master perfectly, and he might still be unsatisfied (perhaps he's unreasonable in what he expects) or he may be hung up on something else, or perhaps the two of you just don't click together. Not every dom-sub relationship fails because the sub is to blame. Lots of things can go wrong, just like in any vanilla relationship. So don't assume that you're at fault just because you're the sub. Remember that the dom gets a lot of responsibility when he gets a lot of control.

sebastian · Jul 14, 2011

Another point for new subs:

Your dom is responsible for knowing how to play safely, but you have some responsibility as well. You should learn about forms of play that you're exploring, and at a bare minimum, learn to know what unsafe play looks like. Your dom may not realize that colored wax burns hotter than uncolored wax, or your dom may know but have forgotten that detail. You can't help your dom avoid hurting you if you don't know what to look for. If something like this happens, just respectfully say "Sir, are you sure that candle is safe?" (or, "Sir , are you sure that dildo was washed after you used it on that other sub?" or "Sir, I just want to remind you that I have a heart murmur so I can't do electro."). If you need to, use a safe word and have a more extensive talk until you're satisfied that you're not in danger of being harmed. Also, it's appropriate to say something like "Sir, my fingers are tingling and going numb. I think my arms need to be untied now."

In the same vein, be honest about your safe words and limits. When I play with a boy, I give him safe words (I use the stoplight colors). I rely on my boy to say 'yellow' when he thinks he's getting to the end of his ability to manage pain. If I don't hear 'yellow', I assume he has more to give me. Some subs feel like they should only safeword as a last resort, but that approach can result in injury, very upset subs, and doms who feel very guilty or very angry. Recognize when you think you're hitting that wall, and say something. A more experienced sub may be expected to go absolutely as far as possible, but a new sub needs to learn her limits and should err on the side of caution. (Among other things, as you learn what you can take, you can push farther, which will give you a real feeling of accomplishment and pride in your service.) That said, don't cry 'wolf' or use your safeword to control the scene. The point of subbing is to relinquish control, and if you safeword too easily, you're not doing that. But the first time you play with a dom, it's not unreasonable to use the safe word early on, to test the dom to see if he will respect your safe word. Be aware, however, that some doms feel that using a safe word should end the whole scene.

Smallest · Jul 15, 2011

Sebastian, you're insane. I don't think there was anything I didn't think of in some capacity, but it was an interesting and useful read.

I'll add on if I (or Master/Tallest) think of anything.

"As a sub, you naturally want to please. That means that when something goes wrong, you have a natural tendency to assume that the problem is your fault; you must have said or done, or not said or not done something that caused the problem."
I might add, the above struck a chord with me. But you might want to acknowledge to the other Dom/mes, that likewise, being in control often makes them feel the same way when something goes wrong, so it's really something both dom and sub should be aware of, and be ready to, of course, discuss when something's not gone right.

sebastian · Jul 24, 2011

Glad I could help you keep from getting injured. But waiting until you've gone numb is dangerous. You could wind up with permanent nerve damage or tissue damage.

Subs should pay attention to dom psychology. Doms like the feeling of being in control. That control might take the form of giving orders, or the physical control bondage, or the power of being able to hurt the sub, or the power of being able to humiliate and degrade the sub, but it usually comes back to power in some way. Subs need to understand this for a couple of reasons.

1) Safety. Good doms tend to like the feeling of having done a technique or a scene skillfully. The antithesis of pride in their work is the awful feeling of knowing you've injured or actually violated the sub. This is why subs need to help their dom avoid injuring them. If you push yourself too far, perhaps by not safewording, and wind up injured, your dom may feel very upset with himself for not having caught the warning signs. The first time I ever worked with my mentor, we put a sub into a sleep sack. After about 2 hours, the sub started to cramp up and asked to be let out. My mentor and I were working to get him out as quickly as possible, and I eventually unzipped the sleep sack. I hadn't learned that you always keep one finger under the zipper as you're doing that, and I accidentally caught the boy's foreskin in the zipper. He began squealing loudly. The situation was quickly fixed and he wound up with only a small cut on his penis, but I felt guilty for weeks afterward (and I doubt that boy is ever gonna play with me again). It's hard for a dom to feel in control when he know's he screwed up and harmed the sub.

2) Listen during play for the cues your dom gives you about things that might make him feel more powerful. I love to hear my subs beg me to stop. Knowing that the sub wants me to stop but can keep going (because he's not safewording) gives me the power to stop or not as I choose, which I find very intoxicating. So I usually say something like "If you beg, I might stop". The attentive boys recognize that I'm actually saying "I'd like to hear you beg now". To do this well, the sub has to be actively participating, not just passively letting the dom work on them. So pay attention to the cues your dom gives about whatever s/he wants you to do. And it works in reverse; pay attention to the cues your dom gives about what he doesn't want. If he doesn't respond to a particular thing you do in play, it might be that he doesn't like that. For example, if you start licking his boots and he says nothing, it might be that he doesn't enjoy foot worship but is willing to let you do it because he thinks you want it. So if you're only doing it to please him, you can stop and do something else. At least for me, when a sub starts doing something I enjoy, I respond noticeably, either by moaning or by saying "that's right, boy", or by the way I move my body. Obviously not all doms do those sorts of things, but look for them.

3) Recognize that different doms want control in different forms. If your dom is primarily about bondage (physical control) and you are primarily about command and humiliation (psychological control), you may not be well-suited for each other. Some doms (like me) love the psychological drama of verbal abuse and humiliation, while others just want the physical interactions. Some want hardcore fucking, while for others the bondage or pain play IS the sex.

4) Not all doms are capable of being equally dominant. No dom can be totally in control 24/7, but even allowing for that, some want different levels of control. Some simply don't want complete control over the life of another human being, and some may want that control but be unable to handle the responsibilities properly. Some may want a slave who does nothing unless commanded or given permission, while another may want a slave who has a lot of independence to get his assigned chores do. For example, I don't want to have to tell a slave "clean the bathroom now"; I would prefer a slave who noticed what work needs doing and does it, and then asks me to inspect the work or point out a new chore. Some doms want a slave who manages the mundane tasks for the dom. I read once of a domme who was chatting with another dom at a play party, and her slave came up and said "Mistress, it's time to go." The other dom was shocked and asked her why she allowed her slave to speak to her like that. The domme explained that she wanted her slave to pay attention to the schedule so she didn't have to. This was a situation in which two doms had drastically different ideas about how a slave ought to relate to a master. Why is this important for subs to understand? Because your dom may have expectations of a slave that differ substantially from yours. Don't assume that because you are both interested in slavery that you're thinking the same thing. Have a conversation about exactly what that slavery might look like. As the sub, you have a right to have your slave needs met (assuming you actually want to be a slave). Some subs think slavery looks like doing a lot of chores, while others think it involves spending long hours locked in a cage being ignored. (Incidentally, although a lot of slaves have the 'long hours in a cage' fantasy, the ones I've talked to who've done it say that it gets boring pretty quickly. They enjoy it for a night or maybe a weekend, but after about two days would really rather do something else.)

sebastian · Aug 11, 2011

Verbal play is an extremely important tool for doms. Subs love to be talked down to, and many doms love doing it. There are a couple key reasons for this:

Being talked down to establishes the power dynamic.
Taboo words like bitch and faggot are sexually charged, and saying them empowers the dom.
Sex is to a large extent about imagination, and verbal play helps shape the imagination by guiding the sub to where the dom wants him/her to go.
Effective verbal play can help a sub overlook mistakes the dom makes.
Being insulted, talked down to, and so on can be very humiliating, which some subs really enjoy.
Verbal play can build anticipation for what's coming next "If you don't do this well enough, I'm going to spank you."

So how do you learn to get good at verbal play? It's basically practice. Build up a repertoire of things you can say, so that you can develop some variety. Get used to saying things like "Down on your knees, cunt!" and practice them until you can say them with a straight face and a tone of authority. When you're done playing, ask for some feedback about what worked and what didn't.

So there are a few key principles to work with in verbal play.
1) Vary your language. Don't keep saying 'bitch'. Figure out as many variations as you can and alternate them. If your sub likes a particular term, use that one more frequently. And remember that for a sub, an insult can be a term of endearment. A lot depends on your tone of voice.
2) Use verbal play to build anticipation. Tell the sub what's coming next. If you want to spank the sub, you can threaten it as a punishment for failure, or promise it as a reward for good service, or just tell the sub it's coming. Getting good at this will create the impression that you've planned out the scene (even if you're just improvising).
3) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want them to understand what's happening. Most BDSM acts can have multiple interpretations. For example, pissing on the sub can be about enjoying the liberating physicality of the act ("It feels so damn good to take a piss!"), a statement of humiliation ("you're so pathetic you're gonna let me piss on you"), a statement of ownership and marking ('You're my pissed-on property"), a reward ("if you beg, I'll reward you with my piss") and so on. If you want pissing on the sub to be a humiliation, say so.
4) Verbal play can tell the sub how you want him to act. If the sub knows you want to humiliate him, he's more likely to play into that. And you can tell the sub what you want to see. "If you beg well enough, I'll stop torturing your tits" and "Who's my good girl? Who's daddy's perfect little girl?" can signal the behavior you want.
5) You can dramatize your power by promising things and not giving them or changing your mind. "Ok, you can stop slapping your cock now. No, actually, I've changed my mind. Keep going."
6) Learn the 'magician's force'. Stage magicians use this to guide the audience. If a magician wants you to choose the blue cup and you pick the red cup, he'll say, "ok, that's the one we'll set aside." It creates the illusion of choice while keeping the magician in charge. You can do similar tricks with a sub, in which you give the sub a choice while keeping the illusion of control. I often ask my boy "Would you like me to stop slapping your cock?" If he says 'yes', I'll say "That's too bad. I'm not ready to stop." (But now I know that the boy might be approaching a limit.) If he says no, I'll say "That's good, because I'm not going to." There are lot of games this can be applied to.
7) Verbal play can focus the sub's attention and plant thoughts and feelings in the sub's head. When I'm torturing a boy, I'll say "I'll bet having your cock slapped like that really hurts. You don't think you can take much more of that, do you?" If I'm stroking his cock I might say "God that feels good, doesn't it? Your cock must be bursting. You're probably hoping I'll let you cum soon." Things like that will focus the sub's attention on the facet of the experience you're trying to create. Being told the pain is getting unbearable makes it harder for the sub to manage the pain. And this can sometimes create the impression that the dom knows what the sub is thinking. The sub is having those thoughts and the dom seems to be vocalizing them, when in reality part of the reason the sub is having that thought is that the dom is encouraging the sub to think about that.
8) You can also help your sub manage the experience through verbal play. "Deep breaths, boy. That will help you manage the pain" or "Ok, I'm going to untie you now. Relax, you'll be free soon."
9) Don't forget to praise the sub. Unless the scene is all about humiliation, praise gives the sub encouragement and helps them feel a sense of pride. And if your scene is about humiliation, you can break the sub down and then build them back up by praising the submissive behavior you're seeking.
10) Verbal mind games can be great fun. Blindfold the sub and then ask them to figure out what toy you're using on them. Or talk to them in ways that make them nervous. "Hmm. I haven't used THIS toy in a while. The last sub I used it on wouldn't stop crying. I wonder if you'll be able to handle it."

A couple general points to remember about verbal play
1) Insults can wound far more deeply than most toys. So be careful which ones you use. For example, if your sub is overweight, they're probably somewhat ashamed of their body already, and having their attention called to their weight will probably be humiliating in a bad way. So avoid insults like "fat cow" unless you've talked to the sub and know they're ok with that. Similarly, racially-loaded terms can add excitement for a sub who's of a different race from you, but they can also be very painful.
2) Don't joke about ignoring safe words. The sub needs to know you're going to respect the safe word (unless you two are advanced enough that you've decided to drop safe words--a practice that is definitely not for new players). "No" can mean "yes", but "red" has to mean "stop".
3) Verbal play should stop during aftercare, or it should shift to a more gentle and comforting phase. "Yes, baby. Daddy's gonna take care of you now."
4) Not all subs like humiliation and insults, so go cautiously until you know that the sub enjoys that sort of thing.

Jayneshusband · Aug 12, 2011

Very thoughtfully written and helpful.
Reading about singles meeting others to fulfil their needs makes me so happy that I have been with my sub for 15 years.

One aspect of our play that has developed is me allowing other men to use her under my supervision. This was a fantasy for over 4 years before it actually happened. She used to like me telling her about the other men who were going to come and use her, using dildos and telling her it was a stranger etc. When it finally happened I let her choose the guy, and we had sex with him in a non 'role' way. This was in hindsight a great idea as the guilt and shame she felt was immense, but she also got soaking wet every time she thought of it.
We now have a couple of guys and a girl who we can call on a few times a year, all of whom love her submissivness and play the game she wants, the fact that I am allowing them permission to use her, I decide where they can cum and if she must swallow or (her favourite game- let it spill from her mouth onto her breasts and then play with it).

The point is that we used many of the rules in here to intoduce what clould have been a relationship ending activity and have made it work for us.

Pending · Aug 31, 2011

The other thing that might deserve mention is that the legal status of BDSM in different countries varies a lot... This is worth checking out for where you live, in the uk for instance there is no such thing as consensual bodily harm, and anything that leaves a significant mark is treated as assault.

sebastian · Sep 16, 2011

One question that came up recently was the difference between discipline and punishment, so I thought I'd give my take on the issue, because I think there's a lot of confusion about it.

Some BDSMers use these two terms interchangeably, while others distinguish the two concepts, and I fall into the latter category. As I see it, discipline is positive training, intended to reinforce desirable behaviors, while punishment is negative training, intended to discourage undesirable behaviors.

Discipline or play punishment may be presented by the dom as harsh treatment or as a reprimand for the sub's failure to perform up to expectations, but it is intended as a form of pleasurable play, something that the sub enjoys. For example, let's say you're doing a teacher/student scene and you want to incorporate spanking into it, because you and your sub like spanking. You might stage the scene in such a way that you spank the 'student' because she was disruptive in class or didn't do her homework. In this case you're presenting the spanking as a play punishment, but in reality, it's supposed to be pleasurable for you and the sub. Over the course of several scenes, you might gradually increase the amount of spanking or the force of the blows, to train the sub to tolerate more pain than she could at the beginning. You are giving her positive training toward a goal of pleasure and increased endurance.

Punishment is the opposite of discipline. In a casual dom/sub relationship, punishment may not be appropriate. If the sub hasn't agreed to give the dom some degree of authority outside the bedroom, you probably shouldn't try to do punishment, because it involves the dom imposing unpleasant consequences on the sub. The purpose of punishment is to discourage the sub from engaging in behavior the dom deems inappropriate or unwanted. For example, let's say that the you as the dom have a rule that the sub must always call you 'Master'. But the sub is being careless about using the title regularly, so you decides that punishment is necessary. The sub dislikes being spanked, so you decide to spank the sub every time the sub forgets to use the proper form of address; you decide that you will give five blows at the end of the evening for each time when the sub forgot to use the right title. The idea here is that the sub dislikes being spanked and therefore will work hard to remember to use the right title in order to avoid being spanked.

Choosing discipline is fairly easy; it can be almost any activity that the dom likes that the sub likes or is willing to tolerate. Choosing punishments are trickier. First, it needs to be something the sub dislikes, because that's what provides the incentive for the sub to try harder. Choosing a punishment that the sub enjoys will be counter-productive, because the sub may start misbehaving in order to get the desired activity. In the previous example, if the sub likes being spanked, spanking will not work as a punishment. Second, it needs to be something that the dom doesn't really enjoy. In the previous example, if the dom really likes spanking, he might be tempted to look for excuses to spank the sub to get the activity he enjoys. Third, you shouldn't use the same activity for both discipline and punishment; that will probably confuse the sub. Fourth, punishment activity should probably not be explicitly sexual. The point of punishment is to discourage the sub's bad behavior, and making sex a form of punishment may well encourage the sub to dislike sex with the dom. Finally, because communication is very important in BDSM, the silent treatment is not a good punishment.

When punishment is necessary, the dom should explain why the sub is being punished and should explain the punishment. Then he should apply the punishment. After the punishment is over, the dom should ask the sub to explain why she was punished and should correct her if she misunderstands. Then the dom should explain that the matter is closed and will not be brought up again, unless the sub commits the same offense again. Punishment should probably end with a hug or some other gesture intended to affirm the dom's affection for the sub.

So what sorts of activities work for punishment? One strategy is to adapt punishments for children: sitting in a corner, being spanked, loss of a desired privilege such as watching tv or performing a favorite service for the dom, doing an unpleasant chore, or not being allowed to have sex for a while (unless the sub really enjoys chastity and orgasm denial, as a lot of male subs do). Humiliation may provide a good avenue for punishments, unless the sub really enjoys being humiliated. Tailor the humiliation to the sub's personality. For example, if the sub really takes pride in her appearance, you might forbid her to wear make-up for a week, or require her to wear dowdy or baggy clothes. Or you might require the sub to write an essay acknowledging the mistake and apologizing for it. One common punishment is to require the sub to hold a quarter to the wall with her nose for a set period of time (increase the time for each offense). One punishment I've used it to make the sub kneel naked, forehead on the floor and ass in the air, and chant something appropriate (such as "I will never forget to kiss my master's boots when I greet him; his boots are the symbol of his authority") for a set period of time.

Another important point is that punishment must be applied consistently. The sub needs to learn that bad behavior always merits a consistent punishment. Inconsistent punishment will tend to confuse the sub.

NEWCOMER'S FAQ: READ BEFORE POSTING

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